Another Butter Blog

William Goldman- You are one of my favorite people.

And I haven't even finished his book The Princess Bride yet! But the process is going swimmingly. (Awkward word- 20 points)

I read page 203, and I was elated!! (Awesome word- 10 points)

Why?

Buttercup was booed! One BIG FAT metaphorical boo, too! (Rhyming words unintentionally- 45 points)

Ah- but alas! (Adventurous word- 15 points) 'Twas only a dream....that part disappointed me....but it added to the metaphoricalness (New word- 10 points)

At the same time, I was kind of happy it was only a dream.

"But you hate Buttercup! You always make up stupid nicknames for her that no one finds funny except yourself! You make NO SENSE. I HATE THIS BLOG! ARGGGG!!!!" *Throws compy*

*Skillfully dodges computer*

"Whoa! Watch it there! I'm going to make a point, if ya don't mind..."

Well, The Princess Bride is a 'classic tale of true love and high adventure' and I'm hoping that Butter Face will realize that she desperately needs to change her hoity toity, stuck up nose, go-fetch-me-some-turkish-delight-slave attitude to keep the 'true' part of 'true love' there.

In other words- I'm hoping for another character change.

Goodness! She's your regular Jekyle and Hyde now isn't she?!

Buttercup: Wheres is it?! Wheres has we placed it?! *Searches franticly around room*

Prince Humperdinck: Oh, I-Can't-Believe-It's-Not-Butter! I have a treat for you.... *Holds delicate bottle by the tips of his fingers*

Buttercup: What? Oh yes yes! Gives it to us, Master!! Gives it to us!!! 

Prince Humperdinck: Go fetch. *Throws across floor, then glides out of room*

Buttercup: IT'S MINE!!! Yes yes yes.....*strokes bottle shakily and takes a sip*

That was disturbing....let's not have that happen again....

I KNEW IT!

I knew I recognized Butter Face from somewhere!

She obviously played Gollum in Lord of the Rings.

Back to the novel.

So Buttercup is booed in this dream of hers.  The person who booed her is...me. No, but oh boy, do I wish. If I was there I would've. You know it, too. 

Unfortunately, it is not me, the awesome person who blogs. It is this old woman who basically says Butter Face gave up on true love when she had it her hands the whole time.

Dang straight she did.

*Looks across room preparing to go on to the most infuriating part in the novel. Takes a few breaths...*

Buttercup is just full of surprises.  She replies to the old woman: "I gave my word to the prince."

Alright Butter Beer, tell me what's more important: your heart or your word?

"Oh, Gwen, isn't it obvious? Your heart." Buttercup responds stupidly.

WHAT A TWIT FACE!!! Yes, of course it's your heart, and you gave your shrivled up heart to Westley! Not to Prince Barbarian! Poor, poor Westley. It's not fair for Westley! And why is Butterface so heartless and cruel?! WHAT THE HECK?

Then Goldman interrupts the story with some commentary.

And I suddenly calm down....

"You? Calm? Please, you are like so not-"

"SHUT UP, I WAS CALM!"

Like I was saying, I suddenly became...calm.

He says somewhere in his long-ish spiel (Stolen Word (read page 208)- 75 points) this:

"This book says 'life isn't fair' and I'm telling you, one and all, you better believe it."

It isn't! And I'm old enough to know it's not, but to read it...to see it there in front of my eyes, made me realize on a whole new level that LIFE ISN'T FAIR DARN IT.

That gave me some reasoning as to why Buttercup is being so cold toward Westley. Why Westley had to be left behind there, only to soon be tortured.

Goldman is trying to make a point; he even said it right there in his commentary.

Maybe he didn't intend to show that life isn't fair through the whole Westley/Buttercup disaster, but it sure played a role in proving that statement.

Life isn't fair. But I think when things are absolutely meant to be, they do happen...which leads to my prediction.

Prediction (as MUCH as this is going to KILL me): Westley and Buttercup end up together.

"But you hate her! You don't make any sense...." *Holds head confusedly*

I feel a strange sense of redundancy here....hmm.

"I know I don't make any sense. But when I remember how perfect they were together in the beginning of the novel...I just can't help myself...plus you know it's going to happen, I mean let's be realistic."

Hopefully by the time that rolls around I'll actually like her again. For now, she's still Butt Face.

Oh, and I did get to the part where she begs Prince Humperdinck to let her go be with Westley.

Sudden change of heart, eh Butter Biscuit? I bet it was all those scawy drweams you was having, huh? Twoo many people hating you in your drweams for dwumping Wes Wes?

She couldn't handle the hatred!!!! YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!

Well..she can't.  

You made your royal bed, Butter Face- now lay in it! 

Goldman better make her likable again. Or else I will pull a Silver Tongue (Google it), find her, release my pet R.O.U.S. named Rufus upon her, find Westley, and marry him.

Google: Rufus the naked mole rat. 

Call me, beep me, if ya wanna reach me!

But yes, William Goldman is one of my favorite people. I love the book so far, I love his 'commentaries,' and his insight on life that he incorporates into the novel. Heck, I'll even say it: He's totally awesome!

I hope he doesn't mind that I hate Buttercup. I hope he understands why I don't like her....

Hate scale: Hate Very Much

Hmm...it's simmered (Awkward word- 20 points) down a bit....

Anyway, those are my thoughts on Buttercup. Another Butter Blog. Maybe you love this blog, maybe you hate it- or maybe you just love me =) *Blushes* 

I hate to break it to you...but there's just no easy way to say this...It's me, not you...the feeling is just not mutual....

Just kidding!

The feeling is so mutual that Facebook wants me to friend request you.

But I won't because I learned to not affiliate myself with strangers.

Score: 195 points

Signing out of this blog like yeah-

Gwen the Super Hero, over and out.

Butter Face, It's High Time You Get Over Yourself.

Mocking. It's what I do, it's who I be- B-L-A-C-K-E-Y-E-D-P-E-A-S. 

....It's part of a song....

Alright, just forget it.

SO! I'm here to inform you that I am reading The Princess Bride by William Goldman.

"I don't give a flying crap that you're reading! What a stupid blog! ARRRRGG!" *Throws new computer that they bought due to the first one being damaged for similar reasons out the window*

Yeah...You're going to have to stop doing that, those things cost quite a bit...

I'm here to give a review of Buttercup's character. I warn people who are reading this and didn't throw their compy out, that if you like Buttercup's character then...... please stay =) 

*Lights suddenly go out, lightning strikes, illuminating my very creepy shadow against nearest wall* 

MWAHAHAHA!!!!

*Resume normalcy*

Right, here goes something or nothing depending on who's actually going to read this. 

Please, read this...it'll make me feel a little less unloved... Oh SNAP! It's been two hours. If you'll excuse me for a moment, please.

*Goes to mirror and stares at reflection.* "You are beautiful. You are smart. You are successful. You are beautiful. You are smart. You are successful...." *Tears brim in eyes* "I-I can't go on...I think the psychiatrist will understand that I have to cut it short for today..." 

Buttercup starts out in the beginning of the novel as the lovable tomboy.  She's cool and rides a horse named Horse.  All cool people ride horses. And write blogs.

She has a whole bunch of these guys after her, but she doesn't pay much mind to them, because she's independent.  She does her own thing- works on the farm; chills with her horse, Horse; ignores the annoying catty girls of the village; blogs; etc.

Here's one of my favorite lines (and there are many!): "Oh, the boys!" Buttercup fairly exploded. "I do not care about 'the boys.' Horse loves me and that is quite sufficient, thank you."

I love her headstrong attitude and her down-to-earth style.  It's refreshing, and I think many would agree with me. Or maybe you all disagree. 

Maybe you prefer the superficial Buttercup who pops up in the upcoming chapters after she goes mentally insane when Westley leaves her, finds out that she is the most beautiful girl in the whole land, becomes the soon-to-be Queen, goes even more mentally insane when Westley returns, stops blogging (which disappointed me the most),and etc. etc.

But I'm not at that point yet.

Buttercup seems like the down-to-earth girl everybody likes, with a few flaws that every girl can relate to. 

"I'm sorry, but I don't relate to her issues at all. I'm perfect and everyone adores me. I have no issues. Because I'm perfect and everyone adores me."

"Alright then WHATEVER. MAYBE YOU DON'T RELATE TO HER AT ALL. GEEZ." You people really need to stop interrupting me.

"Hey, Gwen!"

"WHAT NOW?"

"Knock, Knock!"

"Oooo, I love knock, knock jokes! Who's there!"

"Interrupting cow!"

"Interrupting co-"

"MOO!!"

......."OUT. NOW."

Just kidding. Don't leave. I love all of your lame knock, knock jokes.

Not really.

Okay, back to Butt-Face- I mean Buttercup. (I'm not suppose to call her that until later in the blog when I show you how obnoxious she truly becomes).

A little bit further into the story- Buttercup falls in love with the "ranch-hand," Westley.  She practically goes insane over him, especially when he doesn't reply to her when she goes into great detail of how much she loves him. (Oh goodness- I have to admit I loved that part. What was your favorite part? No, don't tell me. I don't really care. Just kidding. I do. Tell me!)

Here's my favorite; it's terribly long but it's also terribly necessary:

"I love you,' Buttercup said. 'I know this must come as something of a surprise to you, since all I've ever done is scorn you and degrade you and taunt you, but I have loved you for several hours now, and every second, more. I thought an hour ago that I loved you more than any woman has ever loved a man, but a half hour after that I knew that what I felt before was nothing compared to what I felt then. But ten minutes after that, I understood that my previous love was a puddle compared to the high seas before a storm. Your eyes are like that, did you know? Well they are. How many minutes ago was I? Twenty? Had I brought my feelings up to then? It doesn't matter.' Buttercup still could not look at him. The sun was rising behind her now; she could feel the heat on her back, and it gave her courage. 'I love you so much more now than twenty minutes ago that there cannot be comparison. I love you so much more now then when you opened your hovel door, there cannot be comparison. There is no room in my body for anything but you. My arms love you, my ears adore you, my knees shake with blind affection. My mind begs you to ask it something so it can obey. Do you want me to follow you for the rest of your days? I will do that. Do you want me to crawl? I will crawl. I will be quiet for you or sing for you, or if you are hungry, let me bring you food, or if you have thirst and nothing will quench it but Arabian wine, I will go to Araby, even though it is across the world, and bring a bottle back for your lunch. Anything there is that I can do for you, I will do for you; anything there is that I cannot do, I will learn to do. I know I cannot compete with the Countess in skills or wisdom or appeal, and I saw the way she looked at you. And I saw the way you looked at her. But remember, please, that she is old and has other interests, while I am seventeen and for me there is only you. Dearest Westley--I've never called you that before, have I?--Westley, Westley, Westley, Westley, Westley,--darling Westley, adored Westley, sweet perfect Westley, whisper that I have a chance to win your love.' And with that, she dared the bravest thing she'd ever done; she looked right into his eyes."  

AH, how sweet is that?! Unless you skipped the whole thing. In that case, you stink like a werewolf. (Hey! Read my blog Twilight Sucks!)

But dear Westley ignores her (boys are very skilled at that!), she becomes depressed and locks herself away. 

WOW. We go from this head-strong girl, to someone who can't see herself happy without a man- but it's love, right? And it's the only man she's ever cared for, and ever will. Right?

Until she goes to him an says that she was playing a cruel joke on him.

OMGSH IT'S A ROLLER-COSTER THAT NEVER ENDS. I'm on page 202, and it's still not over- this whole roller-coster of emotions. The drama! But we all love the drama, don't we? Yes, yes we do.

But then Westley assures her that he, too, has always loved her and blah blah blah.

All that sweet stuff that makes teenage girls, gay boys, very strange straight boys, and everyone else in between love the book.

Buttercup, naturally, takes back what she says

Right when it gets good- the love of her life LEAVES her and DIES. (If you've read the book, then you know that he didnt really die, and if you haven't read the book- sorry I just spoiled it for you, but why would you be reading this?! I know. It's because I'm awesome. *Blushes*)

Onward! <------LOVE that word.

Okay, so Buttercup has been through a lot.  Just like that bully or that snobby cheerleader in school has been through a lot, right?

Well, she goes through even MORE! Yes! We all enjoy watching the main character suffer! No, but it does keep the reader hooked! 

Anyways, Buttercup becomes the "most beautiful girl" in the whole freakin' world (Ya right. I think we all know that the most beautiful girl is Bella Swan. Hello? Haven't you heard  that not only is she gorgeous, but also her blood smells like strawberries!?), is snatched up by this disturbing Prince Humperdinck who will make her Queen, but then she is captured by a team of assassins.

Issues upon issues.... I smell a character transformation! I actually caught a wiff of it when Westley left her and croaked- it smelled pretty gross. Nothing at all like Bella's blood.

Oh but it gets better!!!! Westley saves her from the assassins! Then takes her through this horrifying swamp land to escape from Prince Humperdinck (that plan fails horribly.).  You'd think that she'd be elated that Westley comes back. That she'll love him forever and ever now that they are back together, right?

WRONG! 

But I'll get into that in a moment.

We notice a gruesome change in Buttercup's character....Westley talks to her and explains to her that she is even more beautiful than he remembered. Aw....How sweet! Let's hear what Buttercup has to say:

"Enough about my beauty. Everyone always talks about how beautiful I am. I've got a mind, Westely, talk about that."

Why hello, love! Nice to see YOU  again, too! 

What a butt face.

At this point, I despise Butter Biscuit. She no longer is that lovable, cool person.  Which is definitely understandable as to why William Goldman would do that. I mean, she can't be the same person anymore, right? She lives in a castle now, where people cater to her every need, and always tell her how beautiful she is. Does it give her a right to respond to dear, hunky-hunk, super-mega-foxy-awesome-hott Westley like that?

NO.

But she has to have some flaws.  So there ya go.  

I still don't like Butter Face though at this point.  And that feeling intensifies further into the chapter....

Onward!

Westley, like the true gentleman he is, ignores her snappy attitude, and doesn't decide to leave her for the scary creatures to devour.  They move through the fire swamp, and Westley saves her from the highly dangerous Snow Sand and the terrifying R.O.U.S.

So heroic! *Swoons as little hearts form in eyes*

They finally make it out of the swamp when *gasp!* Prince Freaky is there to greet them!

The Prince commands them to surrender, but Westley holds Butter-Butt-Face's hand and replies "Death first!"

Wow. Who doesn't love Westley by now?

Oh that's right, Miss Butter Brain doesn't. She decides to surrender for Westley.

Hate Scale (from dislike to hate very much): DESPISE.

Get a load of this:

"The truth," said Westley, "is that you would rather live with your Prince than die with your love."

"I would rather live than die, I admit it." (BUTT FACE)

"We were talking of love, madam."

"I can live without love." (BUTT FACE)

YES, SHE CAN LIVE WITHOUT LOVE BECAUSE SHE'S A HEARTLESS JERK.

......

Sorry, about that.

But she left Westley there to soon die in the Zoo of Death (I haven't got to that part yet and yes, I know Butt Face was under the impression that the Prince would set Westley free, but how dumb can you be to not know that Prince Humperdinck would try and kill WesWes anyway?!)

Westley can find someone much better. Like me.  But I'll have to keep it a secret from Eddie Boo. (That's my vampire boyfriend. I less than three him, which is obviously meaningless like Butler Cup's "love" for Westley.)

There. I don't believe I need to go any further in explaining why I don't like Butter Biscuit (Plus, that's as far as I got in the book...)

I don't understand this complete character change, but perhaps Goldman has something up his sleeve that I don't know about. 

Like a majestic dove, or my hankie that I swore I had safely away in my purse. 

Oooo, maybe he'll make her start blogging again!

Well, that's my opinion on Butter Toast. Maybe you think differently. Or maybe you liked this blog! Or maybe you bought another computer just to finish reading this blog and then for a third time yelled,"That's how this blog ended! I hate this blog! ARGGGG!" and threw your compy out the window.

In that case- get a life.

Just kidding, don't! Because you keep giving me more views! And that makes for a happy Gwen.

Hate Scale by End of the Chapter: EXTREME DESPISEOCIDITY. (That's for Buttered Roll, not the book. I love the book!)

Prediction of what will happen in novel: Westley will release a R.O.U.S. on the castle, and then come and marry me.

Signing out of this blog like yeah-

Gwen the Super Hero, over and out.

 

Why Twilight Sucks (Don't Pardon the Pun)

Twilight SUCKS.  

I can already hear gasps, and the sound of people pounding their fists against their keyboards screaming "BLASPHEMY! I HATE THIS BLOG! WHAT AN IDIOT! ARGGG!!" *Throws computer out window* 

That's an irrational response. 

"Well, Gwen, if Twilight sucks then how come Stephenie Meyer is bathing in lucious green 100 dollar bills, huh? Yeah, chew on that, skank!" Touche, touche... 

A rational response that I can work with.

"Why? Well, teenage girls, gay boys, very strange straight boys, and delirious middle aged women, I'll get to that right now. No need to call me bad names."

Before you continue reading this, and if you didn't already throw your compy out the window, I'd like to warn you that this blog is semi-controversial. If you can't handle the heat, honey, then GET THE HECK OUT OF MY KITCHEN. (A.k.a. this blog)

Just kidding. Read my blog and be bothered by the controversy (or revel in the controversy if you agree with everything in it.).

Ah. Vampire romance novels are just so juicy!  When your love life is lacking, these novels are the perfect, completely unrealistic, tragic, beautiful, horrifying, thrilling, and delicious thing to sink your pearly whites (or denchers or yellowing teeth or gums) into.  And the immaculate vampire novel to read?

Twilight.

"Whoa, wait a second...I swear you just said Twilight sucks..."

"Yes, you smart little apple! I did!"  Allow me to elaborate....

Twilight is the perfect novel to read when you desperately want a boyfriend and if you don't give a flying jedi crap about writing.

Twilight is undeniably popular.  ESPECIALLY among the teenage audience.  

"Oh Edward....he's such a sexy beast....that shimmering body is such a turn on...." *Licks lips and makes audience reading this blog very uncomfortable*

There you go.  It's Edward.  He is the PERFECT, most unrealistic little creeper that girls want.

"No. I'm Team Jacob. Edward is such a woman. SO HA!"

*Sniff sniff sniff* AHA! There it is again!  It's Jacob, too.  He represents the stronger side. The "man-lier" side, if you will. Twilight is reeling in girls attracted to both the manly man, and the sensitive man.   

Teenage girls are drawn to these fictional characters that make them drool and fantasize and yell at their boyfriends for being so insensitve and demanding them to "be Edward, darn it!"

That relationship didn't last  long....

They look past everything that makes a novel a well-written novel once a dashing fictional knight-in-shining-armor pops into the scene.  It's a huge trap, that I myself, unfortunately fell into...and then franticly clambered out of once those nasty scales fell from my eyes.

Yeah, I'll give Stephie Meyer credit where credit is due- the story line is not bad. That's the only credit due.

Oh, time to discuss the writing!! *Piece of my heart wilts and blows dramatically away* It's just *cringes* AWFUL, GOSH DARN IT. 

Tell me, how many teenage girls can sniff out bad writing? 

*Raises hand* Excluding myself... *Sadly puts hand down...*  

When you're so in love with a fictional character and when you're living vicariously through the story it's very hard to tell.

So stop.  Stop putting yourself in Bella's place.  Stop fantasizing that Edward is creeping on you outside your window. Stop.  And actually open your eyes, and read the book like the intelligent little book worm you are.   

Reason Numero Uno for Twilight's Suck-iness:

Bella is an empty character.

"Nuh-uh. She is very dynamic and emotional and full of personality, you scum bag!"

"Shut up, she isn't, and I'm about to tell you why!"

If I read a piece of dialogue without seeing who said it, I can't distinguish who said what, especially during scenes Bella is in. Bella has no distinct voice. Examples?  Here ya go:

"What, no twenty questions today?"

"Do my questions bother you?"

"Do I react badly?"

"No, that's the problem. You take everything so coolly..."

OMGSH. Who the heck said what?  Can you tell?  Or are you such a fanatic that you memorized the whole novel, therefore, giving you inside knoweldge, therefore making you a CHEATER?

CHEATERS LEAVE MY BLOG NOW.

Just kidding. Don't. I love you so much that I less than three you!  <3

No...I don't know you....

Alright, back to Miss I-Have-No-Personality. I took a guess without looking at the book. (And mind you I've read all four novels so I am very familiar with the series.) I seriously thought Bella said the first line. 

She didn't. It was Edward. Bella is indistinguishable. Yeah, that's right! Read it and weep, baby. 

I went through other chapters and came across the same problem. Characters NEED voices!!! They sit there and beg for voices, because they want their personality to be HEARD. I CAN'T HEAR BELLA.

Here's another reason why the novel is a best-seller, but really shouldn't be: 

The reader can easily fill the character up with his/her self. Teenage girls can relate to Bella, can fill her empty self up, because Bella has nothing not to relate to. (Confusing statement, I know. Read it over until you understand it) This does NOT mean the writing is good.  Again, I will state that characters need voices. To not give a character, especially the MAIN character, a voice is a disgrace.

Reason B for Twilight's Suck-iness :

The Dialogue is horrible.

Dialogue should make sense even without the detailed paragraphs that follow. Twilight fails when it comes to dialogue. It fails epically. <-----I couldn't resist....

"Dialogue, schmialogue! Edward is so dang hott it doesn't matter!"

"Um, yeah, it kinda does matter. Like a whole dang lot, little gay boy!"

Dialogue makes a novel sparkle. Helllllooooo!?! Have you ever heard the phrase critics use?

"The novel is such a good read with sparkling dialogue and witty characters that actually have personality/voice."

"Edward's body is sparkling, doesn't that count?!"

"NO. It doesn't, you middle aged cougar." Hmm, well technically Edward is like 185 or something, so I guess that doesn't make sense... (Want to talk cougars? Google British actor, Aaron Johnson, and his future wifey poo. I love him, but that relationship is just WRONG.)

Examples of dialogue not making any sense from Twilight: 

"No. He carved it himself. It hung on the wall above the pulpit in the vicarage where he preached."............"Are you alright?" (Edward)

"How old is Carlisle?" (Bella)

WHAT was THAT? They go from talking about some cross apparently, then he asks her if she's alright (?), and then she asks- (Note that she doesn't answer! So many of the characters do not answer, but repsond with ANOTHER question! It's infuritating.)- she asks how old Carlisle is.

*Sighs melodramatically and stares at keyboard for a long while wondering if it's even worth continuing.... Glances back up determinedly and presses onward*

More examples: Oh geez. This one is worse. Please read aloud! Or else it won't have the same effect.

"What can I do for you?" (Carlisle)

"I wanted to show Bella some of our history. Well, your history actually." (Edward)

"We didn't mean to disturb you." (Bella)

"Not at all. Where are you going to start?" (Carlisle)

"The Wagonner." (Edward)

"London in the sixteen-fifties." (Edward)

"The London of my youth." (Carlisle)

"Will you tell the story?" (Edward)

Well, I Googled "Wagonner," and I still don't know what the heck it is/means. Maybe it's a code word for "Hey, foster daddy, I might kill Bella!" Or maybe the dialogue is just crappy! Then I love how we go from this so-called Wagonner to London! That was an exciting adventure that didn't take very long! Which was the London of Carlisle's youth, too. Then Edward wants to hear a story. The Three Little Pigs perhaps?

The dialogue is bumpy; it doesn't flow.  DIALOGUE NEEDS TO FLOW. This dialogue flows like the blood of an obese, fast-food loving, oreo addicted human being- which means not at all.

Hoorah for controversy! Yes, I am going to continue, too. Nothing's stopping me now!

The Wagonner, the Wagonner, the Wagonner....THE. WAGONNER.

Reason Infinity and Beyond for Twilight's Suck-iness:

There is too much tell and no show. 

This blog is about this, this, this, that, this, that, this, this, and that. Oh yeah, and some of this and that, too.

ARGGGG!!!! *Pulls face angrily* Yes, those who do not enjoy reading and figuring things out for themselves will most defintely enjoy Twilight. Along with those who don't feel like using their imaginations. Why? Because Miss Meyer will tell you everything the novel is about in one fast sitting, leaving you without wondering about anything and knowing ALL there is possible to know about vampires, the Cullens, werewolves, and blah, blah, blah.

Examples? Sure the whole entire book is the example, but I'll pick one out for the sake of picking because I do like to pick....*Picks nose discreetly....*

Just kidding. That's gross..... 

"I hope Edward didn't see from outside my window..." I murmur to myself. *Looks out window and sees nothing* "Oh, I know he was there. He must have used his super speed to run away and hide."

*Sigh.... Continues typing furiously*

So here's some background info: Bella asks Edward a question. Edward decides to create his own monologue and OVER EXPLAINS EVERYTHING. *Cries slow, painful tears* Over explains every. little. thing....It's torturous I tell you!!!!

"Well, I can listen to Edward talk all day, so HA!"

"Well, very strange straight boy, firstly- you are reading, not listening. Secondly- I can't. So, um, HA HA. Oh yeah, that was a double ha."

Sorry. Here ya go:

"Are there a lot of...your kind?" (Bella)

"No, not many. But most won't settle in any one place. Only those like us, who've given up hunting you people can live together with humans for any length of time. We've only found one other family like ours, in a small village in Alaska. We lived together for a time, but there were so many of us that we became too noticeable. Those of us wo live...differently tend to band together." (Edward and his dear friend Mr. Monologue- it's a creepy guy relationship.)

Huh! Well, isn't that fascinating! It only took fifteen minutes to answer a simple yes or no question. Geez, Bella, I hope you learn to never ask Eddie Bear a question again.  

*Sigh for the hundredth time* 

Unfortunately, she doesn't. And all the other characters, the sexy Jacob Black in particular, have the same issue as Edward. It's a disgusting/obsessive relationship between character and monologue.

Steph-Steph could've at least attempted to incorporate that information later in the story. Show, don't tell. Leave it up to the reader to figure it out; to make it suspenseful/mysterious. Plus, the reader will feel good about his/ her self once they figure something out on their own in the story. It makes them feel special. Don't we all like feeling special? Yes, yes we do.

(Psssst: That's why Harry Potter is better.)

But she was too hasty! *Tisk tisk tisk* Hasty writers = Edward and Monologue relationship. Gross! I thought Edward loved Bella...nope. He loves his own voice!!! And me. *Makes creepy eyes in direction of window*

I could go on, but I've spent a brobdingnagian amount of time on this blog. (Google it)

Interesting stuff, huh? Or not. Maybe you hated this blog. In that case-usually I'd say "leave" or something to that extent, but instead I'm saying- "Yay!" Because I did my job. Controversy is key.

Unless you loved this blog.

In that case...GET THE HECK OUT.

Just kidding. I'm so glad you loved it that I'm making out with Edward in my mind....whoa! Didn't I say no fantasizing?! Goodness....what a Starburst contradiction....

Signing out of this very long blog like yeah-

Gwen the Super Hero,  over and out.

Hey! Hey You! Yeah You! AVADA KEDAVRA, JERK.

To be a wizard for a day... what would you do? 

Would you turn your AP United States History teacher into a piece of toilet paper then flush her down the toilet?  (Heck yeah!)

Would you levitate your whole classroom?  (Ooo trippy...)

Would you fly away for the night on a broom?  ("I can show you the world! Shining, shimmering splendor.")

Or would you flick your wand and say "accio- double stuff oreo!" (I'm Harry Freakin' Potter)

To be a wizard for the day, oh- the things I'd do that would earn me a lifetime of demerits at school....

It's a dark and dismal day.  The alarm clock screams crappy 93.3 music, and I punch it into my nightstand wanting to just slip away under my soft sheets.  It's another morning, another thrilling day of school awaits...I dress myself, wash myself, feed myself, and drag my dead self outside.

Wonderful story so far isn't it?

I'm waiting for my bus, and it starts raining. 

"What the Holy Bagels is this?!"  I scream in agony and crumple to the pavement in a heap of self-pity.

"It's rain, you pathetic Muggle." 

A voice!  From where? And did it really call me a Muggle?  I scan the area suspiciously... I glance up, and I see someone floating in a heavenly fog above me.  Do I smell bagels?

I squint- OMG IT'S SABRINA THE TEENAGE WITCH!

"Like OMG you're-" 

"Harry freakin' Potter," she says as she floats down to me in an awkward angelic/hippie/yoda way.

"Um, I don't think..."

"Just shut up, Muggle, I am," she says rudely. I don't like this schizophrenic chick very much.  "Now listen to me," she demands.  "Take this- are you listening?!" She screams, and I quickly stop Jedi fighting against my pop, Vader.  "Filthy, stupid creatures...Take this wand.  And do whatever the heck you want with it."

"Awesome!" I say as she tosses a birch wood wand also made with the guts of a pigmy puff down to me. She goes to ascend back into the sky, but I quickly stop her.  "Can I have a bagel with veggie cream cheese?"

"Girl, just accio it,"  she snaps at me. "So dumb, I don't know why I was assigned this job." 

"Okay...ACCIO BAGEL WITH VEGGIE CREAM CHEESE!" 

WHHHHHOMMP.  Well, instead of getting a face-full of deliciousness, I get a face-full of Sabrina/Harry's arm.  I peer over her arm, which is glued to my face, and see my bagel in her other hand.

"Could you wait until I let go of it....," she hisses.  I give a sheepish smile. (Well don't I feel baaaaaa-d! So punny.)

I'm at school now.  I own this joint.  I'm reading to kick some bootay-tay with my super-fly wand.  I'm on top of the world. I'm so fly I'm touching the sky. I'm so cool that I- what is this injustice before my fantastic wizard eyes?!  I look up from my seat and gape at the hideous sight.

MATH HW: Questions pg. 87 #2-12 evens.

Yeah, not too bad right?  UNTIL YOU SEE THAT EACH QUESTION REQUIRES YOU TO DO PARTS A-Z!

This. Right here. Is a disgrace to humanity. 

"My wand is awesome turn this teacher into a opossum!" 

*Tah-dah*

The kids are going nuts! And so is my teacher! Look at her scurry across the floor like mad! Oh, I could get used to this...time to find my APUSH teacher....I leave the classroom and go to her lair- I mean classroom...

There she is.  Plopped down on her swivel chair, squinting at her compy screen like the old woman she is.... I step in cautiously.  For some strange reason, my forehead begins to throb.

Then she looks up.  AND...

HOLY BUTTERSCOTCH BROWNIES! SHE HAS NO NOSE AND SLITS FOR EYES! 

"I knew you'd come for me, you failure of a student," she mutters darkly. I try to not let her disgusting new look distract me.

"That's epic failure to you," I say boldly (Quite literally, too.). "And it's only because you're an epic failure of teacher."

"Is that so?" She glares at me.

"Um, yeah kinda."

"Well then....AVADA KEDAVRA!"

"PIGMY PUFF I CHOOSE YOU!" I yell with all my might and point my wand at her face.  A small pigmy puff pops out of my wand and wobbles in the line of fire.  I try to push it out of the way, but...it's too late...

"NO!!!! PIGMY!" I run over to the dead puff and weep.  "This isn't over you spawn of Voldemort! My puff will be avenged!"  I hold a clenched fist up in rage.

"That's going to be rather difficult," she tells me mysteriously. "Seeing as I have 6 parts of my soul living within objects and/or students in this school...." she hisses and fades away, and only her devil eyes and disturbing evil cat-like smile remain for a few seconds before completely disappearing.  "And who wrote the Declaration of  Independence?" Her voice haunts me while I stand alone, wondering if I'm losing my sanity.

"Thomas Jefferson!" I shout to the ceiling. "You'll have to do better than that to thwart me!"

I go to leave the putrid room (It smells like spoiled cream cheese...What a Starburst contradiction.), and I stare at the poor pigmy puff.  "I'll avenge you, and I'll save this school, and possibly the whole wide world, too."  I point my wand like the potential hero I am and call out,  "Accio-butter scotch brownie."  

The scrumptious brownie flies into my mouth, and I flick off the light.  I exit the lair to go destroy my arch enemy.

WOW. Fascinating stuff, right?! Well, maybe you didn't find it fascinating. Maybe you think this was a complete waste of your time.  Time you could spend stalking your crush on Facebook.  Maybe you hate this blog with a fiery passion.  If that's the case then- AVADA KEDAVRA, JERK!

Just kidding.

Signing out of this blog like yeah-

Gwen the Super Hero, over and out.

For the Love of Math Would You Find a New Hobby

Math. How do you feel about math? Does your stomach tangle in an impossible knot? Do you scream and fling yourself out the nearest window?  Do you look longingly over at that shiny knife laying innocently on your kitchen table? *Glances over at table* "No Gwen, it's not worth it...not worth it..."

Senior year.  I'm ready to kill this bad boy.  It's my destiny.  God created me and told me, "You will hate the math with a fiery passion.  You will lose sleep over the math, it will make you go bald, make you even more mental, make you question your reason for existence, but in the end, you will kill the math."  Hecks yeah I will!  Then I'll never never ever ever have to deal with that hideous beast of a subject again.  It'll be a party in the USA!

Then there's my AP Calc. teacher. Who I find IMPOSSIBLE to relate to.

I swear that woman is having an affair with math. Her poor husband. Unless he knows about this horrendous fiasco... then this whole thing is just sick.  

She has an intense love for the gruesome numbers, the grisly functions, the "finding of the x's" (Something that I never understood why you would want to do. X is a letter.  It should remain a letter.  Now who's the smart-one whose light bulb flickered dimly on one day and said while in a state of sheer, unadulterated boredom, "I think I'll make 'x' represent a number."? Whoever he is, the day he thought up such horrid words he made an enemy for life! That's right Mr. I Ruined Gwen's Life, ya better watch your grave.), the soul sucking sine and cosine, and the mind torturing fractions.  

She LOVES it all.  I don't mean that meaningless I-love-you-but-we've-been-only-dating-for-a-day-and-a-half-so-I'll-end-up-dumping-you-for-my-xbox-instead- kind of love.  This lady, who I am seriously questioning if she is truly from our planet, LOVES math.  Love as in I-want-to-marry-you-and-have-a-sweet-child-and-name-it-Parabola Jr. love.

When she talks about math, she talks faster than the speed of a hummingbird's heart beat (Look it up on Google) and her face turns red and her spit flies- it's sad that I know that, because I sit in the back of the classroom.  

AP Calc. Requirements: a calculator and an umbrella- and some stress snackies.  You know you're all guilty. Don't try to be reserved in saying "I don't binge under stress."  I KNOW YOU DO.

Here's an example of her relentless love for math:  On the first day, a student answered a question correctly in class.  I don't know what he said- I swear he was speaking Swahili (Look that up on Google, too.), but apparently my teacher understood the crazed kid perfectly.  Tears brimmed in her eyes, and she covered her face slightly as she whispered, "That... was beautiful...".  Then, quickly from being in that state, she turns on us and makes her face go red again.  Time to pop open that umbrella...oh snap, it's jammed!

"You are going to OWN THE MATH THIS YEAR! I'm going to make you so ready for that exam that you'll be pooping numbers left and right!!" 

Scratch out that last part.

Do you see what I mean?  Well, maybe you don't.  Maybe you think that I'M the one who needs to seek psychiatric help.  In that case- LEAVE NOW.  Just kidding.  Don't leave. I don't have any friends.  Maybe we can go out for coffee later or go bowling?  Please, anything.  Do you see what I'm doing in my spare time? *Strokes keyboard thoughtfully* This is all I have...

Just kidding. I don't know you.

Granted, yes, she's a math freak, but she's still an extremely kind (and slightly overwhelming) woman who I trust will help me achieve a 4 or higher on my AP test (Unlike my last AP teacher, who I am happy to say will be on her way to the Amazon to make excellent company with a cannibalistic tribe under the impression that she won an all expense free trip to an exotic island---but you didn't hear that from me.).

I will own the math.  It won't bring me down, no, no, it won't bring me down today...I am beautiful in every single way- no matter how fat I'll get over my stress snacking, and how bald I will go from it making me rip my hair out. 

That's all folks.  Signing out of this blog like yeah....

Gwen the Super Hero, over and out.