Falling Off the Face of the Earth is NOT One of My Hobbies

Don't worry (because I know you were all so very concerned about what happened to me), I did not fall off the face of the planet.

It's been much too long since my last blog! My plan was to blog almost everyday, but as you can see...

"Everyday?! THAT'S PITIFUL! You barely blogged once a month, you epic fail of a blogger!!!!! ARGGG!!!!" *Stomps out of room and doesn't throw computer this time because he has recently been attending anger management classes*

Well, I can say that THAT is something I did NOT miss AT ALL.

"It's okay we didn't miss you either."

......I'm just going to ingnore you. Starting...now!

So it's Halloween!

"Oh, I like your mask! Oh wait, my bad, it's just your face."

........................

*I leave the room and go to my thinking chair nearest to the window overlooking the lucious swamp in my backyard (thankfully it's nothing at all like the swamp in The Princess Bride) and let my mind wander away from the malicious insults being hurled at me. Once I've COMPLETELY GOTTEN OVER THEM, I return calmly to my computer and resume my blog*

"You're back!"

-______-

So it is Halloween, and I'm going as "The-teenager-who-really-doesn't-give-a-flying-jedi-crap-about-dressing-up-and-is-not-so-secretly-a-world-class-super-hero." It's very original. Guaranteed that you won't find it in your local costume shop!

I won't be trick or treating, but I will be handing out candy to all the youngsters, some teenagers, and occassionally a few adults (which is extremely awkward by the way) who enjoy begging for candy at the door of strangers' houses. Including mine, no matter how much I do not want them to come.... 

I've been handing out candy for a few years now, and I must say I am quite experienced in this area. I've decided I'll share a few of my secret tips to handing out candy.

Eat it up:

1. If you would like to be simplistic about it, simply reach into the simple metal bowl filled with the most simple candy (like raisins), and simply grab a handful, and simply drop it into the treaters bags. It's pretty simple.

2. Or you can go the complicated way by creating a scavenger hunt by hiding the candy in various areas of your yard and creating a map for the kiddies (or creepy adults or moody teenagers). You don't even need to sit out there! Just leave a map on the front porch and a sign that says "STAY THE HECK AWAY FROM THE DOORBELL, AND FIND IT YOURSELF." You meddling kids...

3. Or you can go the extremely complicated way and leave a map for the kids to find candy. And leave no candy out. It's satisfying in many ways: No pestering children (or pedo. adults or gothic teenagers) to ring your doorbell, you save money, and it's a heck of a lot of fun to watch them searching for it. Those little rascals (goths and pedos) will never know what hit them!

Oh geez, I hear them coming...SAVE ME!

4. Always keep a bowl of spiders on hand. Just in case Emily Rose shows up and she's hungry. You should really keep this handy if you want to spare your face.

5. You can be mean about it. Hey, handing out candy gets tiring. If you feel like your done for the night, and you can't  a take the multitude of annoying children and adolescent teens and eerie adults anymore then just throw it at them. 

"Trick or Tre-"

"Oh would you all just SHUT UP. Here's your cavity creating sweets you filthy animals." *Throws candy at their faces*

6. Scare the hell out of 'em. If you really want to have fun, hide behind a bush or under your porch, and as they're walking by scream and jump out (wearing a mask adds to their fright), grab their candy bags and run away (still screaming). Don't give the bag back.

7. Keep your eyes peeled... You never know, someone may try to sneak into your house as you're handing out candy to their little friends. It's a good idea to have a friend of yours dress up as Voldemort and hide behind you, so if one does sneak in he'll be caught and never forget it. 

Voldemort Voldemort ooo Voldy Voldemort, Voldemort! 

8. Give hugs instead. Instead of candy, give hugs. Saves money and freaks people out at the same time! A win-win situation!

"Trick or tre- whoa hey, what are ya doing?"

"Come 'ere! I've got a hug for you!"

"Mommmmmmmmyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!" *Runs far far away*

"Ok bye...." *Turns sadly away...*

I'll stop at 8. The number of completeness. And this list, it's pretty complete. Good luck with the treaters tonight. 

So this blog....hated it, loved it?

Either way, there's someone watching you from behind.

Just kidding! Mwahahaaa! Happy Halloween!

What is that mysterious ticking noise....

Oh man, they're coming....time to dust off that Voldemort costume.

Signing out of this blog like yeah.

Gwen the Super Hero, over and out

PS: HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY HALLOWS: PART ONE COMING OUT NOVEMBER 19TH!!!! You can bet your bottomly dollar that I'm going to the midnight premier!

That's all. Later yo.

OH wait, just kidding.

I finished The Princess Bride! It was so amazingly swunderful and I love it with my whole heart!

Fo reals now, peace out my homies!!! 

Releasing Your Inner Super Hero and Eating Peanut Butter Cookies

Ka-PoWw!...Are you a super hero?

"Uhhhh- no.... Who are you? And why are you asking me such a random question....Please, don't steal my peanut butter cookies..." *Slips peanut butter cookie into mouth and munches slowly*

AHA! That's a trick question....

Everyone is!

"WHAT?! But my head was just dunked into a toilet today.....I'm no super hero."

Okay then, everyone except you!

See we all have this inner super hero...I swear we do.  Especially myself, and except that nerd above.

Now, you all know that I am one, but I'm discovering powers I never even knew I had before....

For example, today I kicked some major butt.  And saved some lives while I was at it, too.

I volunteer in this library at my school during my FREE period.  Yeah, just saying that it's my FREE period... A period where I can slack off and do nothing, but I choose the alternative. (Live above the influence!) I SACRIFICE....just saying...Hey! Super heroes make sacrifices....BAM! There's a bit of my inner hero....oh, and there's more.  Of course there is more...

As I was saying, at this library I catalog books.

"Vou are such a loser! Vat's vat vou do in your spare time?! Come 'ere, I vanna dunk your head in thees toilet..."

*Sweat sweat, Panic* "Please, wait!! Back off...I-I...I have a weapon!!!!!" *Points Mega Zappster 3.1 at Olga the Bully*

"Vhoa, Bubbushca...cheellz out....zaight zaight. I gotcha, eet's cool, eet's c-cool."

"Yeah." *Lowers beastly weapon down* "That's what I THOUGHT!"

*Olga runs away, when she's (or he, it was kinda hard to distinguish) out of sight, I point Mega Zappster 3.1 at book barcode*

Beep!

All in a day's work... 

YEAH, THAT'S AFFIRMATIVE! I have a beastly book scanner, and let me tell you, I kick some major book binding butt  with it (alliteration baby...).

Then I do all this MAGICAL stuff like organizing the books I zap with my zapster.  Oh yeah. Be jealous of the zapster.  It's even better than those lame grocery zapsters (those are Mega Zapster 2.1s...not nearly as cool as the 3.1)

With it I'm unstoppable.... that is until I get an emergency call....*Dramatic fade to school scene*

BRINNNNNNGGGG!

*GASP* "There's trouble down the hall in the auditorium where my next class is! If only I had an extension cord...."*sigh*

I shoot down the hall and scan the horizon. Hmm...there seems to be no monster in our midst.  What could the problem possibly be?

"Help...please, someone help...."

A cry for help! Coming from the auditorium!

I glide past civilians and push open the doors. The cry becomes louder- like a pigeon with a broken wing, or a hippo with a cavity- the cry is pathetic and hopeless.

"Help...I need help, please. Anybody?"  

I look around the area....ooooo my teacher is selling chocolate bars this class! I'll take one!!

"I FREAKIN' SAID HELP!"

Goodness....someone's panties are in a bunch now, aren't they?

"I need a pencil....please, anybody...."

Ugh. Really. That's your problem....so now I have to give up my pencil, for you? I don't even know you. What if you're a nose-picker, huh? Let me contemplate this.

"I need a pencil for this test! Please, guys just check if you have one. I really need one."

Oh geez. Don't look over here at me...don't ask me.....I'm not giving up my favorite mechanical pencil!!! NEVER!

"Please...I need one..."

The tension is building and I...I am slowly breaking. "I have a pencil." I finally speak out heroically.

"Really? Thanks! You're a life saver."

Yeah. I know I am. Because I'm a super hero. "Yep. No problem...." Dude, it's such a problem you have no idea. That's my favorite pencil, you better take care of it.

35 minutes later....

"Here, thanks for the pencil!"

Anytime, helpless little student.... "You're welcome." OMGSH YOU RIPPED PART OF THE GRIP TO MY PENCIL OFF. That's the last time you are ever going to see that pencil again...mark my words, punk.

BRIIIIIINNNNNGGG! Another emergency call.

So long Pencil Destructoider. We will meet again....

 

and when we do, bring your own pencil.

I mean seriously, how painful is that to accomplish? Not very, no, not at all.

I fly out, then up and up where I encounter a deep, and dark cave.....

named Economics.

The Cave of Economics.  It sounds scary, but on the contrary 'tis not, fearful internet surfer. Within the cave, there is a lonely, lonely man who sits on a stool and plays the fiddle.

Okay, maybe he doesn't play the fiddle, but he'd be 50 million times cooler if he did.

Instead, he's just a lonely man who sits on a stool and does the bare minimum of teaching! Oh, and in his spare time he plays with his Smart Board. Such a lonely man. Or just a very bored man...maybe if he actually TAUGHT then he wouldn't be bored....

but, YAY! We love not learning, don't we? Especially when we watch youtube videos instead!

Shhhh....gotta keep it on the hush-hush, we don't want The Titan Thumb finding out....aka the head honcho, aka our principalito!

"Morning class. So today we'll be talking about economics. and the economy. and economics...."

10 minutes into going absolutely nowhere.

"Anyone have some videos to youtube?"

Ooooo! That one! That one about the person who does that ridiculous thing they shouldn't have even thought of trying to do and ends up getting hurt, but it's so hysterical it just needed to posted for the whole world to see!

Or that one about.....*gasp!* There's a figure standing outside our door....the shadow fills the rectangular window, blocking out the natural florescent lighting from entering the classroom.

There's no mistaking the thumby shape.....

THE TITAN THUMB!!!

"Ummm...guys...." I try to warn the oblivious students and fiddle playing teacher. The doorknob begins to turn.... "NOOOOOO!!!!" I yell with all my might, leap from my seat, and rip out my giant pair of nail clippers.

I swing them around wildly in the view of the beast behind the door, and I can sense his hesistation as the doorknob flips back into place.  His shadow lessens as he backs away.  Soon he is out of sight.... I turn to my class, at first everyone is gaping with shock, but when they realize what has just happened, I am greeted with relentless cheers.

"Enough my peers. 'Twas only a cowardous beast. We shall no longer live in fear. As long as I'm around that is."

"Will you sign my nail clippers?!" A scream reaches my ears as I try to hold off the joyous crowd.

"Ew, no way, freak."  

The crowd becomes too much for me...I make an escape out the window and soar away as the class waves enthusiatically from within.

*Fades away from school scene*

That was me releasing my inner super hero. We all can with a bit of trust and pixie dust! So no matter who you are, relinquish your super hero, and set it loose upon your school to save it from complete disaster!!!

Thoughts on this blog? Maybe you hated it because you're a super villain. In that case- stay for some tea and we can chat about your broken childhood and how your parents never baked you those chocolate chip oatmeal cookies so now you've grown to be this detestable human being  reeking disaster everywhere.

Just Kidding.

OUT NOW YOU FIEND OR I WILL ZAP YOU WITH THIS PRETTY CHILL ZAPSTER.

Maybe you loved this blog because I taught you how to release your inner super hero.  

Actually...I just talked about it....never really "taught" you....just like my fiddle playing teach!

Well here: Don't think- just be the hero you are. Where ever you are, what ever you're doing- be the hero.

*Sniff* So touching....EAT THE PEANUT BUTTER COOKIE!

*Slips cookie slowly into mouth and munches suspiciously...*

Fo reals. Just take the cookie given to you and eat it. And if you're going to eat it, eat it with confidence. That's right you! Fix yo' posture.

Aight, my homies. I'll be back.....

KAPOW! BLAM! WHAM! ZAPPP! ZINGG! 

Beep!

Signing out of this blog like yeah-

Gwen the Super Hero, over and out.