The art of breaking up. It can be complicated, depressing, horrible, ugly, pretty, life-changing, a volcanic eruption, or totally awesome!(not really) Thankfully, I'm here to save you. You can always count on me. I advise you to take some of these helpful tips. It can make breaking-up seem fun! Then you go home and cry for hours with a bowl of pretzels and hummus and a sappy love movie that makes you hate life OR you make out with Taylor Lautner- your new bf! Wow, I got over that break-up fast!
Some ways to thwart the break-up-ier; confusion guaranteed:
It's over.
You: Oh, phooey.
We're done.
You: No! I'm done! *run away*
I think we should take a break.
You: Okay, I'll meet you back here in five then?
I can't stand you. I'm leaving you.
You: Don't let that door hit yo butt on the way out then!
It's not you, it's me.
You: Yeah, it is! You suck!
I'm breaking up with you.
You: I'm freeeeee!!! *fall to your knees and spread your arms upward*
Ways to break-up with that person who just makes you think of bad after-tastes, like lemons or guacamole (unless you like guacamole- I DO NOT TOLERATE GUACAMOLE LOVERS- OUT NOW! Just kidding. Please, stay. I'm lonely...Just kidding, I've got a werewolf bf now!):
You: Sianara foo!
You: Yeah, I broke up with you the day I met you. So technically, I don't need to break up with you because I already did.
Dumpee: What? No, you didn't.
You: YOU HAVE NO PROOF THAT I DIDN'T! *run away madly*
You: Like every horrific love story, this needs to end.
(Ouch! A bit cruel, but if you want him to feel the pain, it's perfect! Sorry, Edward. It's for the best.)
You: I'm moving. To Yudoturro.
Dumpee: Where's that?
You: Oh you know....on the map. Near a body of water. Next to some desert. Far away from you.
You: I need some time. My very large goldfish ate my other small goldfish and died.
Dumpee: Time? They're just fish!
You: You have no consideration! We're over with!
You: My dog ate my homework.
Dumpee: Huh?
You: Good-bye, forever.
Dumpee: Wait-
You: Don't make this harder than it is. Farewell.*Walk dramatically away*
Dumpee: I will always love you.
You: What? Are you breaking up with me?
Dumpee: Um, no, I said-
You: O my gosh, you are!
Dumpee: No, I'm-
You: FINE! GOOD-BYE FOREVER AND EVER, JOSEPH JONAS!!! (I don't like him. He bothers me so.)
You: My hott werewolf friend doesn't like you. And neither do I.
You: Avada Kedavra, Jerk! (This will get rid of him for sure!)
See? Breaking-up isn't that bad after all! Until you go home and drown in your loneliness.
But there are plenty of other fish in the sea! Like that bag boy in the grocery store or that kid who you know from that place that you go to or that guy you always see in the mall who has a bajillion tattoos and a piercing on his armpit (He's probably not the best choice. Unless you, too, have an armpit piercing and can totally relate to him...that's cool!)
So put on those bouncy shoes and bounce back, you resilient rubber band, you! And slash your ex's tires the next day! That'll show him!!
Ok, no, I'm kidding. I mean what would Carrie Underwood do? Did she just slash that snot rocket's tires? No she did more than that!!! And you should, too. Take it from her.
"I dug my key into the side of his pretty little suped (souped? Like the food? I hate cars.) up four wheel drive.
'Carved my name into his leather seat!!!"
Something something.... (I never really liked this song)
"Slashed a hole in all four wheels!"
See, she did more than that! Just say to yourself when you're dumped, what would Carrie do?
Get sweet revenge, darn it!
Ok, personally, I'm a pacifist so I'd never do that.
I lied, I'm not a pacifist.
Actually, I don't really know. No one has attempted to punch my face. Therefore, I'm not so sure. And now I'm rambling.
This blog? Love it? Hate it? Tell me, oh multitude of fans I have.
“You have no fans, dork.”
Ahaaa. You so funny! Not.
Shut up! I can dream can't I?!
Sianara, foo!
Zoinks! =) Love Pinky. (Look it up)
Signing out of this blog like yeah-
Gwen the Super Hero, over and out.
