Why Twilight Sucks (Don't Pardon the Pun)

Twilight SUCKS.  

I can already hear gasps, and the sound of people pounding their fists against their keyboards screaming "BLASPHEMY! I HATE THIS BLOG! WHAT AN IDIOT! ARGGG!!" *Throws computer out window* 

That's an irrational response. 

"Well, Gwen, if Twilight sucks then how come Stephenie Meyer is bathing in lucious green 100 dollar bills, huh? Yeah, chew on that, skank!" Touche, touche... 

A rational response that I can work with.

"Why? Well, teenage girls, gay boys, very strange straight boys, and delirious middle aged women, I'll get to that right now. No need to call me bad names."

Before you continue reading this, and if you didn't already throw your compy out the window, I'd like to warn you that this blog is semi-controversial. If you can't handle the heat, honey, then GET THE HECK OUT OF MY KITCHEN. (A.k.a. this blog)

Just kidding. Read my blog and be bothered by the controversy (or revel in the controversy if you agree with everything in it.).

Ah. Vampire romance novels are just so juicy!  When your love life is lacking, these novels are the perfect, completely unrealistic, tragic, beautiful, horrifying, thrilling, and delicious thing to sink your pearly whites (or denchers or yellowing teeth or gums) into.  And the immaculate vampire novel to read?

Twilight.

"Whoa, wait a second...I swear you just said Twilight sucks..."

"Yes, you smart little apple! I did!"  Allow me to elaborate....

Twilight is the perfect novel to read when you desperately want a boyfriend and if you don't give a flying jedi crap about writing.

Twilight is undeniably popular.  ESPECIALLY among the teenage audience.  

"Oh Edward....he's such a sexy beast....that shimmering body is such a turn on...." *Licks lips and makes audience reading this blog very uncomfortable*

There you go.  It's Edward.  He is the PERFECT, most unrealistic little creeper that girls want.

"No. I'm Team Jacob. Edward is such a woman. SO HA!"

*Sniff sniff sniff* AHA! There it is again!  It's Jacob, too.  He represents the stronger side. The "man-lier" side, if you will. Twilight is reeling in girls attracted to both the manly man, and the sensitive man.   

Teenage girls are drawn to these fictional characters that make them drool and fantasize and yell at their boyfriends for being so insensitve and demanding them to "be Edward, darn it!"

That relationship didn't last  long....

They look past everything that makes a novel a well-written novel once a dashing fictional knight-in-shining-armor pops into the scene.  It's a huge trap, that I myself, unfortunately fell into...and then franticly clambered out of once those nasty scales fell from my eyes.

Yeah, I'll give Stephie Meyer credit where credit is due- the story line is not bad. That's the only credit due.

Oh, time to discuss the writing!! *Piece of my heart wilts and blows dramatically away* It's just *cringes* AWFUL, GOSH DARN IT. 

Tell me, how many teenage girls can sniff out bad writing? 

*Raises hand* Excluding myself... *Sadly puts hand down...*  

When you're so in love with a fictional character and when you're living vicariously through the story it's very hard to tell.

So stop.  Stop putting yourself in Bella's place.  Stop fantasizing that Edward is creeping on you outside your window. Stop.  And actually open your eyes, and read the book like the intelligent little book worm you are.   

Reason Numero Uno for Twilight's Suck-iness:

Bella is an empty character.

"Nuh-uh. She is very dynamic and emotional and full of personality, you scum bag!"

"Shut up, she isn't, and I'm about to tell you why!"

If I read a piece of dialogue without seeing who said it, I can't distinguish who said what, especially during scenes Bella is in. Bella has no distinct voice. Examples?  Here ya go:

"What, no twenty questions today?"

"Do my questions bother you?"

"Do I react badly?"

"No, that's the problem. You take everything so coolly..."

OMGSH. Who the heck said what?  Can you tell?  Or are you such a fanatic that you memorized the whole novel, therefore, giving you inside knoweldge, therefore making you a CHEATER?

CHEATERS LEAVE MY BLOG NOW.

Just kidding. Don't. I love you so much that I less than three you!  <3

No...I don't know you....

Alright, back to Miss I-Have-No-Personality. I took a guess without looking at the book. (And mind you I've read all four novels so I am very familiar with the series.) I seriously thought Bella said the first line. 

She didn't. It was Edward. Bella is indistinguishable. Yeah, that's right! Read it and weep, baby. 

I went through other chapters and came across the same problem. Characters NEED voices!!! They sit there and beg for voices, because they want their personality to be HEARD. I CAN'T HEAR BELLA.

Here's another reason why the novel is a best-seller, but really shouldn't be: 

The reader can easily fill the character up with his/her self. Teenage girls can relate to Bella, can fill her empty self up, because Bella has nothing not to relate to. (Confusing statement, I know. Read it over until you understand it) This does NOT mean the writing is good.  Again, I will state that characters need voices. To not give a character, especially the MAIN character, a voice is a disgrace.

Reason B for Twilight's Suck-iness :

The Dialogue is horrible.

Dialogue should make sense even without the detailed paragraphs that follow. Twilight fails when it comes to dialogue. It fails epically. <-----I couldn't resist....

"Dialogue, schmialogue! Edward is so dang hott it doesn't matter!"

"Um, yeah, it kinda does matter. Like a whole dang lot, little gay boy!"

Dialogue makes a novel sparkle. Helllllooooo!?! Have you ever heard the phrase critics use?

"The novel is such a good read with sparkling dialogue and witty characters that actually have personality/voice."

"Edward's body is sparkling, doesn't that count?!"

"NO. It doesn't, you middle aged cougar." Hmm, well technically Edward is like 185 or something, so I guess that doesn't make sense... (Want to talk cougars? Google British actor, Aaron Johnson, and his future wifey poo. I love him, but that relationship is just WRONG.)

Examples of dialogue not making any sense from Twilight: 

"No. He carved it himself. It hung on the wall above the pulpit in the vicarage where he preached."............"Are you alright?" (Edward)

"How old is Carlisle?" (Bella)

WHAT was THAT? They go from talking about some cross apparently, then he asks her if she's alright (?), and then she asks- (Note that she doesn't answer! So many of the characters do not answer, but repsond with ANOTHER question! It's infuritating.)- she asks how old Carlisle is.

*Sighs melodramatically and stares at keyboard for a long while wondering if it's even worth continuing.... Glances back up determinedly and presses onward*

More examples: Oh geez. This one is worse. Please read aloud! Or else it won't have the same effect.

"What can I do for you?" (Carlisle)

"I wanted to show Bella some of our history. Well, your history actually." (Edward)

"We didn't mean to disturb you." (Bella)

"Not at all. Where are you going to start?" (Carlisle)

"The Wagonner." (Edward)

"London in the sixteen-fifties." (Edward)

"The London of my youth." (Carlisle)

"Will you tell the story?" (Edward)

Well, I Googled "Wagonner," and I still don't know what the heck it is/means. Maybe it's a code word for "Hey, foster daddy, I might kill Bella!" Or maybe the dialogue is just crappy! Then I love how we go from this so-called Wagonner to London! That was an exciting adventure that didn't take very long! Which was the London of Carlisle's youth, too. Then Edward wants to hear a story. The Three Little Pigs perhaps?

The dialogue is bumpy; it doesn't flow.  DIALOGUE NEEDS TO FLOW. This dialogue flows like the blood of an obese, fast-food loving, oreo addicted human being- which means not at all.

Hoorah for controversy! Yes, I am going to continue, too. Nothing's stopping me now!

The Wagonner, the Wagonner, the Wagonner....THE. WAGONNER.

Reason Infinity and Beyond for Twilight's Suck-iness:

There is too much tell and no show. 

This blog is about this, this, this, that, this, that, this, this, and that. Oh yeah, and some of this and that, too.

ARGGGG!!!! *Pulls face angrily* Yes, those who do not enjoy reading and figuring things out for themselves will most defintely enjoy Twilight. Along with those who don't feel like using their imaginations. Why? Because Miss Meyer will tell you everything the novel is about in one fast sitting, leaving you without wondering about anything and knowing ALL there is possible to know about vampires, the Cullens, werewolves, and blah, blah, blah.

Examples? Sure the whole entire book is the example, but I'll pick one out for the sake of picking because I do like to pick....*Picks nose discreetly....*

Just kidding. That's gross..... 

"I hope Edward didn't see from outside my window..." I murmur to myself. *Looks out window and sees nothing* "Oh, I know he was there. He must have used his super speed to run away and hide."

*Sigh.... Continues typing furiously*

So here's some background info: Bella asks Edward a question. Edward decides to create his own monologue and OVER EXPLAINS EVERYTHING. *Cries slow, painful tears* Over explains every. little. thing....It's torturous I tell you!!!!

"Well, I can listen to Edward talk all day, so HA!"

"Well, very strange straight boy, firstly- you are reading, not listening. Secondly- I can't. So, um, HA HA. Oh yeah, that was a double ha."

Sorry. Here ya go:

"Are there a lot of...your kind?" (Bella)

"No, not many. But most won't settle in any one place. Only those like us, who've given up hunting you people can live together with humans for any length of time. We've only found one other family like ours, in a small village in Alaska. We lived together for a time, but there were so many of us that we became too noticeable. Those of us wo live...differently tend to band together." (Edward and his dear friend Mr. Monologue- it's a creepy guy relationship.)

Huh! Well, isn't that fascinating! It only took fifteen minutes to answer a simple yes or no question. Geez, Bella, I hope you learn to never ask Eddie Bear a question again.  

*Sigh for the hundredth time* 

Unfortunately, she doesn't. And all the other characters, the sexy Jacob Black in particular, have the same issue as Edward. It's a disgusting/obsessive relationship between character and monologue.

Steph-Steph could've at least attempted to incorporate that information later in the story. Show, don't tell. Leave it up to the reader to figure it out; to make it suspenseful/mysterious. Plus, the reader will feel good about his/ her self once they figure something out on their own in the story. It makes them feel special. Don't we all like feeling special? Yes, yes we do.

(Psssst: That's why Harry Potter is better.)

But she was too hasty! *Tisk tisk tisk* Hasty writers = Edward and Monologue relationship. Gross! I thought Edward loved Bella...nope. He loves his own voice!!! And me. *Makes creepy eyes in direction of window*

I could go on, but I've spent a brobdingnagian amount of time on this blog. (Google it)

Interesting stuff, huh? Or not. Maybe you hated this blog. In that case-usually I'd say "leave" or something to that extent, but instead I'm saying- "Yay!" Because I did my job. Controversy is key.

Unless you loved this blog.

In that case...GET THE HECK OUT.

Just kidding. I'm so glad you loved it that I'm making out with Edward in my mind....whoa! Didn't I say no fantasizing?! Goodness....what a Starburst contradiction....

Signing out of this very long blog like yeah-

Gwen the Super Hero,  over and out.