Just Some Random Thoughts

Hey guys!


Yeah, I know...it's been awhile.


More than awhile, really. Like weeks. Months. 


Years.


Not really.


But close.


No....


Whatever.


Wow, I haven't written a post in a freaking LONG time!  


Funny story: I was bopping around on the internet like I always do, until I witnessed the most horrific Facebook incident, that it honestly made me puke.


Ok, not puke, but it made me want to write a hate-filled, anger driven, post about how STUPID girls are/can be.


I threw my headphones on and thought "I'm writing a post about stupid girls! I don't even know what time it is because my phone is lost somewhere in my tidal wave of college crap from moving out (Yes, freshman year has ended and it freaking ROCKED)!"


 Until I realized the time is always, unwaveringly located on my laptop. *Duh...


Well, after I decided that I was going to write this post about stupid girls, I decided that why stop at stupid girls? Let's talk about how stupid people can be in general!


On my mark, get set.....GOOO!


So first off, who in the right state of mind would create a photo album entitled "this is what you left behind" and post pictures of herself in front of some ugly curtain, biting her lip in the most awkward/non-modelesque way (hello? you're not a model)?


That's right! No one with stable mental health would do such a thing. 


Next - why would you quote yourself in a status? Who are you? Ghandi? Did you fight for some cause that changed the course of the future?  


Maybe you're fighting for Idiot Rights. 


I don't know.


But unless you're Oprah, George Washington, or the Mean Girl's script - you should NOT be quoting yourself. 


Moving on... - boys!


Boys- unless you are gay, stop acting gay.


Taking millions of pictures of yourselves before you go out on a Friday night to get drunk is not masculine in the least bit.


Posting the pictures on Facebook is an even bigger N-O.


Bringing the camera out with you....that's even gayer than Richard Simmons teaching a spinning class....


Listen, even I, a girl - a fully functioning female who loves all those girly things - won't bring a camera out with her on a Friday night. It's weird.  


Really....what do you do? Get the bouncer of the club to hold your lipstick as you search through your purse to find your camera so you and your 'buddies' can get a decent group shot?


Ew.


No. Just stop....existing.


Just kidding. 


Continue to exist.


But don't bring your camera with you to document your existence.  You're a guy.  Go throw a football or scratch those places where the sun don't shine. Do anything, please, but take pictures of yourself..... Please.


Which brings me to the topic of the classic mirror/phone in face default picture on Facebook.


You know what? No, I can't even bring myself to talk about that topic.


All I'll say is, I'm assuming people are liking your profile picture because they can't see your face behind your huge-ass smartphone with the blinding flash that is reflecting off of the mirror surface.


Great shot of you. Really - never looked better!


Anywho, this is fun! I'm letting off some steam here.  Wow, I feel like a teapot.


Just letting out all of that steam.  It's like a sauna.  


Mmmm. Clean pores.


Next topic!


I absolutely hate being second best all of the time.


Honestly, though, if you knew my life - hahahaha 


It's a joke.


A funny one, I'll give it that.  I mean, even I laugh at it - ha ha ha!


Ew...I sound crazy. No more crazy laughing through a post.


Seriously though.  


People need to stop coming to me, acting like their world is coming to a tragic end because of stupid crap, making me feel like I'm actually making them feel better, which makes me feel like I'm an awesome friend, only to find out that - hey! you're doing a whole lot better the next day! And wow. You're best friends with the person you were venting to me about - about how miserable she was making you feel.  And now, I'm sitting here, alone, like an idiot.


Please - maybe next time you can bring a check considering I'm practically only a therapist to you and NOT a friend. Psh, it's okay - I need the money anyway.


To buy myself a truck.  A big truck!


Topic switch!


I want a truck so badly.  How hot would that be?  Carting my girly ass all around town in a huge, awesome truck?


It would be beyond awesome, okay?  It would be...a word that I can't think of now because I am too exhausted.


Also, another topic change - why can't guys just like the girls that like them?  


See, I like this guy, and I am 100% positive that no girl likes him as much as I do - so why can't I win?  Why can't the person the other person likes the most just like that person back?


Ugh, that was confusing.


Why does Spotify have ads?


Why can't he just seeeeee


Why can't I just say "Yo! You. I like you."


And why can't he be like, "Hey, I heard you were a wild oneeeeeeee!"


Why can't we sing a duet to "Don't Mess With My Man?"


Why am I still typing ridiculous things.....


Why am I listening to oldies right now?


I like the oldies that's why...


Why do I keep asking questions?


Ugh, it's like my philosophy class all over again.


THAT was a nightmare.


And I don't give a damn about my reputationnnnnn.


Why do I have a Twitter account? I hate Twitter.


Why am I still awake....


I need to be up by 7 am.


Happy Eve of Mother's Day!


Okay...that's enough.


May we all have sweet dreams about extremely hot baseball players.


Signing out of this blog like yeah~
Gwen the Super Hero, over and out.

Hm. Spelt or Spelled? I'll Go With the Healthy Kind.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=suzwkw0dYmM

Good song if you're sad.

Hi ;) 

Wow, it took me five minutes to figure out how to get a wink on that smiley face.

That's besides the point though. The point I'm about to make- the point of this blog - is that my novel progress has been SABOTAGED.

Not just that, but my hair is gross, I ate a bag of sour-patch kids just after I worked out, school started again which means this semester I have PE class every morning, "The Green Hornet" was completely awesome/funny/unrealistic, but the whole time I was distracted with calculating how much fatter I'd be after I consumed my sour-patch kids and mentally writing a review of the movie in my head, and my laptop has passed on to the other life so I am stuck with typing on THIS computer (and you can't tell which one it is but it SUCKS because it's in our family study where anyone can waltz right in and discover my blogging).

I use caps a lot. I apologize, but I feel like it is an effective tool in expressing my feelings.

Anyways, life has been sabotaging my writing as you can tell from the above tirade. Not to mention that my whole world is being sustained by this little chip-like object called a USB. All of my writing (and miscellaneous files) - from short stories to poems to one failed novel to one novel in progress to a picture of zebras- is on that chip thing. A pink chip.

And yes, I had to look up the spelling of miscellaneous on Google. Alas! I spelled it right.  And just then I typed the word 'spelt' instead of 'spelled.' You know why?! Because for the last few days I've been living on spelt bread- the bread people skip over in the grocery aisle because its the icky kind that falls to bits since it doesn't have white flour. Yeah, that kind. I suffer in the name of vanity.

Life, my friends (a.k.a. random people who stumbled upon my blog because Google is cruel and led you here) is a viable opponent in this world and it will constantly try to make you lose. Right now I'd say the score is:

ME: 2.5 pts

LIFE: 2.5 pts (in billions)

But I choose to play against life. That reminds me of a very good idea that was brought up in Eat.Pray.Love.

Here's the quote:

"A friend took me to the most amazing place the other day. It's called the Augusteum. Octavian Augustus built it to house his remains. When the barbarians came they trashed it a long with everything else. The great Augustus, Rome's first true great emperor. How could he have imagined that Rome, the whole world as far as he was concerned, would be in ruins. It's one of the quietest, loneliest places in Rome. The city has grown up around it over the centuries. It feels like a precious wound, a heartbreak you won't let go of because it hurts too good. We all want things to stay the same. Settle for living in misery because we're afraid of change, of things crumbling to ruins. Then I looked at around to this place, at the chaos it has endured - the way it has been adapted, burned, pillaged and found a way to build itself back up again. And I was reassured, maybe my life hasn't been so chaotic, it's just the world that is, and the real trap is getting attached to any of it. Ruin is a gift. Ruin is the road to transformation."

Hm. Sounds a bit like a J.K. Rowling quote I've heard once (or a million times because she's my hero).

Not saying I'm in ruins, but my post just reminded me of this quote, and I hope you all learn something from it as I have.

I'll try to see the good in my laptop being mutilated. It gives me time to think of more ideas for my story, which allows me to avoid writer's block! The ruin of my laptop has led to the transformation of my story (in a good way).

Okay, Life, let's see the score now:

ME: 3 pts

LIFE: 2.5 pts (in billions)

Hey, wait. Spelling miscellaneous right earns me another point.

ME: 4 pts

Yay!

Bottom line is life is crazy, but it's necessary for- well, um, LIVING.

If you think life is unfair and too chaotic to handle, just remember this: Great people don't come in Betty Crocker boxes.

It's not like God reached into his holy kitchen cabinet and pulled out a box that says: Preheat Oven To 350 Degrees. Open Box. Pour Out Contents. Mix. Place In Oven. Bake For Awhile. *ding* Receive Great Person Of Importance.

No! All people are born, all people are unique and flawed, and all people have to go through crap on different levels. It's all about how we handle the obstacles thrown at us and how we arise from falling down to rock bottom.

Honestly, I haven't seen the worst of anything yet, but I will one day.

And honestly, I have no idea why I wrote this post. It's only purpose was to serve as a means to vent my feelings and to express my inner thoughts. Boring....sorry. I will post an interesting book review or a story about what's been going on with destroying my former APUSH teacher- soon, I promise. 

Bye for now.

Signing out of this blog like yeah~

Gwen the Super Hero, over and out.

PS

I'm reading The Hunger Games as of late! It is very interesting and the plot is the only thing that is keeping me reading it because I think so far the characters are flat and the writing too choppy. Hm, I think I smell a book review!!

Butter Face, It's High Time You Get Over Yourself.

Mocking. It's what I do, it's who I be- B-L-A-C-K-E-Y-E-D-P-E-A-S. 

....It's part of a song....

Alright, just forget it.

SO! I'm here to inform you that I am reading The Princess Bride by William Goldman.

"I don't give a flying crap that you're reading! What a stupid blog! ARRRRGG!" *Throws new computer that they bought due to the first one being damaged for similar reasons out the window*

Yeah...You're going to have to stop doing that, those things cost quite a bit...

I'm here to give a review of Buttercup's character. I warn people who are reading this and didn't throw their compy out, that if you like Buttercup's character then...... please stay =) 

*Lights suddenly go out, lightning strikes, illuminating my very creepy shadow against nearest wall* 

MWAHAHAHA!!!!

*Resume normalcy*

Right, here goes something or nothing depending on who's actually going to read this. 

Please, read this...it'll make me feel a little less unloved... Oh SNAP! It's been two hours. If you'll excuse me for a moment, please.

*Goes to mirror and stares at reflection.* "You are beautiful. You are smart. You are successful. You are beautiful. You are smart. You are successful...." *Tears brim in eyes* "I-I can't go on...I think the psychiatrist will understand that I have to cut it short for today..." 

Buttercup starts out in the beginning of the novel as the lovable tomboy.  She's cool and rides a horse named Horse.  All cool people ride horses. And write blogs.

She has a whole bunch of these guys after her, but she doesn't pay much mind to them, because she's independent.  She does her own thing- works on the farm; chills with her horse, Horse; ignores the annoying catty girls of the village; blogs; etc.

Here's one of my favorite lines (and there are many!): "Oh, the boys!" Buttercup fairly exploded. "I do not care about 'the boys.' Horse loves me and that is quite sufficient, thank you."

I love her headstrong attitude and her down-to-earth style.  It's refreshing, and I think many would agree with me. Or maybe you all disagree. 

Maybe you prefer the superficial Buttercup who pops up in the upcoming chapters after she goes mentally insane when Westley leaves her, finds out that she is the most beautiful girl in the whole land, becomes the soon-to-be Queen, goes even more mentally insane when Westley returns, stops blogging (which disappointed me the most),and etc. etc.

But I'm not at that point yet.

Buttercup seems like the down-to-earth girl everybody likes, with a few flaws that every girl can relate to. 

"I'm sorry, but I don't relate to her issues at all. I'm perfect and everyone adores me. I have no issues. Because I'm perfect and everyone adores me."

"Alright then WHATEVER. MAYBE YOU DON'T RELATE TO HER AT ALL. GEEZ." You people really need to stop interrupting me.

"Hey, Gwen!"

"WHAT NOW?"

"Knock, Knock!"

"Oooo, I love knock, knock jokes! Who's there!"

"Interrupting cow!"

"Interrupting co-"

"MOO!!"

......."OUT. NOW."

Just kidding. Don't leave. I love all of your lame knock, knock jokes.

Not really.

Okay, back to Butt-Face- I mean Buttercup. (I'm not suppose to call her that until later in the blog when I show you how obnoxious she truly becomes).

A little bit further into the story- Buttercup falls in love with the "ranch-hand," Westley.  She practically goes insane over him, especially when he doesn't reply to her when she goes into great detail of how much she loves him. (Oh goodness- I have to admit I loved that part. What was your favorite part? No, don't tell me. I don't really care. Just kidding. I do. Tell me!)

Here's my favorite; it's terribly long but it's also terribly necessary:

"I love you,' Buttercup said. 'I know this must come as something of a surprise to you, since all I've ever done is scorn you and degrade you and taunt you, but I have loved you for several hours now, and every second, more. I thought an hour ago that I loved you more than any woman has ever loved a man, but a half hour after that I knew that what I felt before was nothing compared to what I felt then. But ten minutes after that, I understood that my previous love was a puddle compared to the high seas before a storm. Your eyes are like that, did you know? Well they are. How many minutes ago was I? Twenty? Had I brought my feelings up to then? It doesn't matter.' Buttercup still could not look at him. The sun was rising behind her now; she could feel the heat on her back, and it gave her courage. 'I love you so much more now than twenty minutes ago that there cannot be comparison. I love you so much more now then when you opened your hovel door, there cannot be comparison. There is no room in my body for anything but you. My arms love you, my ears adore you, my knees shake with blind affection. My mind begs you to ask it something so it can obey. Do you want me to follow you for the rest of your days? I will do that. Do you want me to crawl? I will crawl. I will be quiet for you or sing for you, or if you are hungry, let me bring you food, or if you have thirst and nothing will quench it but Arabian wine, I will go to Araby, even though it is across the world, and bring a bottle back for your lunch. Anything there is that I can do for you, I will do for you; anything there is that I cannot do, I will learn to do. I know I cannot compete with the Countess in skills or wisdom or appeal, and I saw the way she looked at you. And I saw the way you looked at her. But remember, please, that she is old and has other interests, while I am seventeen and for me there is only you. Dearest Westley--I've never called you that before, have I?--Westley, Westley, Westley, Westley, Westley,--darling Westley, adored Westley, sweet perfect Westley, whisper that I have a chance to win your love.' And with that, she dared the bravest thing she'd ever done; she looked right into his eyes."  

AH, how sweet is that?! Unless you skipped the whole thing. In that case, you stink like a werewolf. (Hey! Read my blog Twilight Sucks!)

But dear Westley ignores her (boys are very skilled at that!), she becomes depressed and locks herself away. 

WOW. We go from this head-strong girl, to someone who can't see herself happy without a man- but it's love, right? And it's the only man she's ever cared for, and ever will. Right?

Until she goes to him an says that she was playing a cruel joke on him.

OMGSH IT'S A ROLLER-COSTER THAT NEVER ENDS. I'm on page 202, and it's still not over- this whole roller-coster of emotions. The drama! But we all love the drama, don't we? Yes, yes we do.

But then Westley assures her that he, too, has always loved her and blah blah blah.

All that sweet stuff that makes teenage girls, gay boys, very strange straight boys, and everyone else in between love the book.

Buttercup, naturally, takes back what she says

Right when it gets good- the love of her life LEAVES her and DIES. (If you've read the book, then you know that he didnt really die, and if you haven't read the book- sorry I just spoiled it for you, but why would you be reading this?! I know. It's because I'm awesome. *Blushes*)

Onward! <------LOVE that word.

Okay, so Buttercup has been through a lot.  Just like that bully or that snobby cheerleader in school has been through a lot, right?

Well, she goes through even MORE! Yes! We all enjoy watching the main character suffer! No, but it does keep the reader hooked! 

Anyways, Buttercup becomes the "most beautiful girl" in the whole freakin' world (Ya right. I think we all know that the most beautiful girl is Bella Swan. Hello? Haven't you heard  that not only is she gorgeous, but also her blood smells like strawberries!?), is snatched up by this disturbing Prince Humperdinck who will make her Queen, but then she is captured by a team of assassins.

Issues upon issues.... I smell a character transformation! I actually caught a wiff of it when Westley left her and croaked- it smelled pretty gross. Nothing at all like Bella's blood.

Oh but it gets better!!!! Westley saves her from the assassins! Then takes her through this horrifying swamp land to escape from Prince Humperdinck (that plan fails horribly.).  You'd think that she'd be elated that Westley comes back. That she'll love him forever and ever now that they are back together, right?

WRONG! 

But I'll get into that in a moment.

We notice a gruesome change in Buttercup's character....Westley talks to her and explains to her that she is even more beautiful than he remembered. Aw....How sweet! Let's hear what Buttercup has to say:

"Enough about my beauty. Everyone always talks about how beautiful I am. I've got a mind, Westely, talk about that."

Why hello, love! Nice to see YOU  again, too! 

What a butt face.

At this point, I despise Butter Biscuit. She no longer is that lovable, cool person.  Which is definitely understandable as to why William Goldman would do that. I mean, she can't be the same person anymore, right? She lives in a castle now, where people cater to her every need, and always tell her how beautiful she is. Does it give her a right to respond to dear, hunky-hunk, super-mega-foxy-awesome-hott Westley like that?

NO.

But she has to have some flaws.  So there ya go.  

I still don't like Butter Face though at this point.  And that feeling intensifies further into the chapter....

Onward!

Westley, like the true gentleman he is, ignores her snappy attitude, and doesn't decide to leave her for the scary creatures to devour.  They move through the fire swamp, and Westley saves her from the highly dangerous Snow Sand and the terrifying R.O.U.S.

So heroic! *Swoons as little hearts form in eyes*

They finally make it out of the swamp when *gasp!* Prince Freaky is there to greet them!

The Prince commands them to surrender, but Westley holds Butter-Butt-Face's hand and replies "Death first!"

Wow. Who doesn't love Westley by now?

Oh that's right, Miss Butter Brain doesn't. She decides to surrender for Westley.

Hate Scale (from dislike to hate very much): DESPISE.

Get a load of this:

"The truth," said Westley, "is that you would rather live with your Prince than die with your love."

"I would rather live than die, I admit it." (BUTT FACE)

"We were talking of love, madam."

"I can live without love." (BUTT FACE)

YES, SHE CAN LIVE WITHOUT LOVE BECAUSE SHE'S A HEARTLESS JERK.

......

Sorry, about that.

But she left Westley there to soon die in the Zoo of Death (I haven't got to that part yet and yes, I know Butt Face was under the impression that the Prince would set Westley free, but how dumb can you be to not know that Prince Humperdinck would try and kill WesWes anyway?!)

Westley can find someone much better. Like me.  But I'll have to keep it a secret from Eddie Boo. (That's my vampire boyfriend. I less than three him, which is obviously meaningless like Butler Cup's "love" for Westley.)

There. I don't believe I need to go any further in explaining why I don't like Butter Biscuit (Plus, that's as far as I got in the book...)

I don't understand this complete character change, but perhaps Goldman has something up his sleeve that I don't know about. 

Like a majestic dove, or my hankie that I swore I had safely away in my purse. 

Oooo, maybe he'll make her start blogging again!

Well, that's my opinion on Butter Toast. Maybe you think differently. Or maybe you liked this blog! Or maybe you bought another computer just to finish reading this blog and then for a third time yelled,"That's how this blog ended! I hate this blog! ARGGGG!" and threw your compy out the window.

In that case- get a life.

Just kidding, don't! Because you keep giving me more views! And that makes for a happy Gwen.

Hate Scale by End of the Chapter: EXTREME DESPISEOCIDITY. (That's for Buttered Roll, not the book. I love the book!)

Prediction of what will happen in novel: Westley will release a R.O.U.S. on the castle, and then come and marry me.

Signing out of this blog like yeah-

Gwen the Super Hero, over and out.

 

Why Twilight Sucks (Don't Pardon the Pun)

Twilight SUCKS.  

I can already hear gasps, and the sound of people pounding their fists against their keyboards screaming "BLASPHEMY! I HATE THIS BLOG! WHAT AN IDIOT! ARGGG!!" *Throws computer out window* 

That's an irrational response. 

"Well, Gwen, if Twilight sucks then how come Stephenie Meyer is bathing in lucious green 100 dollar bills, huh? Yeah, chew on that, skank!" Touche, touche... 

A rational response that I can work with.

"Why? Well, teenage girls, gay boys, very strange straight boys, and delirious middle aged women, I'll get to that right now. No need to call me bad names."

Before you continue reading this, and if you didn't already throw your compy out the window, I'd like to warn you that this blog is semi-controversial. If you can't handle the heat, honey, then GET THE HECK OUT OF MY KITCHEN. (A.k.a. this blog)

Just kidding. Read my blog and be bothered by the controversy (or revel in the controversy if you agree with everything in it.).

Ah. Vampire romance novels are just so juicy!  When your love life is lacking, these novels are the perfect, completely unrealistic, tragic, beautiful, horrifying, thrilling, and delicious thing to sink your pearly whites (or denchers or yellowing teeth or gums) into.  And the immaculate vampire novel to read?

Twilight.

"Whoa, wait a second...I swear you just said Twilight sucks..."

"Yes, you smart little apple! I did!"  Allow me to elaborate....

Twilight is the perfect novel to read when you desperately want a boyfriend and if you don't give a flying jedi crap about writing.

Twilight is undeniably popular.  ESPECIALLY among the teenage audience.  

"Oh Edward....he's such a sexy beast....that shimmering body is such a turn on...." *Licks lips and makes audience reading this blog very uncomfortable*

There you go.  It's Edward.  He is the PERFECT, most unrealistic little creeper that girls want.

"No. I'm Team Jacob. Edward is such a woman. SO HA!"

*Sniff sniff sniff* AHA! There it is again!  It's Jacob, too.  He represents the stronger side. The "man-lier" side, if you will. Twilight is reeling in girls attracted to both the manly man, and the sensitive man.   

Teenage girls are drawn to these fictional characters that make them drool and fantasize and yell at their boyfriends for being so insensitve and demanding them to "be Edward, darn it!"

That relationship didn't last  long....

They look past everything that makes a novel a well-written novel once a dashing fictional knight-in-shining-armor pops into the scene.  It's a huge trap, that I myself, unfortunately fell into...and then franticly clambered out of once those nasty scales fell from my eyes.

Yeah, I'll give Stephie Meyer credit where credit is due- the story line is not bad. That's the only credit due.

Oh, time to discuss the writing!! *Piece of my heart wilts and blows dramatically away* It's just *cringes* AWFUL, GOSH DARN IT. 

Tell me, how many teenage girls can sniff out bad writing? 

*Raises hand* Excluding myself... *Sadly puts hand down...*  

When you're so in love with a fictional character and when you're living vicariously through the story it's very hard to tell.

So stop.  Stop putting yourself in Bella's place.  Stop fantasizing that Edward is creeping on you outside your window. Stop.  And actually open your eyes, and read the book like the intelligent little book worm you are.   

Reason Numero Uno for Twilight's Suck-iness:

Bella is an empty character.

"Nuh-uh. She is very dynamic and emotional and full of personality, you scum bag!"

"Shut up, she isn't, and I'm about to tell you why!"

If I read a piece of dialogue without seeing who said it, I can't distinguish who said what, especially during scenes Bella is in. Bella has no distinct voice. Examples?  Here ya go:

"What, no twenty questions today?"

"Do my questions bother you?"

"Do I react badly?"

"No, that's the problem. You take everything so coolly..."

OMGSH. Who the heck said what?  Can you tell?  Or are you such a fanatic that you memorized the whole novel, therefore, giving you inside knoweldge, therefore making you a CHEATER?

CHEATERS LEAVE MY BLOG NOW.

Just kidding. Don't. I love you so much that I less than three you!  <3

No...I don't know you....

Alright, back to Miss I-Have-No-Personality. I took a guess without looking at the book. (And mind you I've read all four novels so I am very familiar with the series.) I seriously thought Bella said the first line. 

She didn't. It was Edward. Bella is indistinguishable. Yeah, that's right! Read it and weep, baby. 

I went through other chapters and came across the same problem. Characters NEED voices!!! They sit there and beg for voices, because they want their personality to be HEARD. I CAN'T HEAR BELLA.

Here's another reason why the novel is a best-seller, but really shouldn't be: 

The reader can easily fill the character up with his/her self. Teenage girls can relate to Bella, can fill her empty self up, because Bella has nothing not to relate to. (Confusing statement, I know. Read it over until you understand it) This does NOT mean the writing is good.  Again, I will state that characters need voices. To not give a character, especially the MAIN character, a voice is a disgrace.

Reason B for Twilight's Suck-iness :

The Dialogue is horrible.

Dialogue should make sense even without the detailed paragraphs that follow. Twilight fails when it comes to dialogue. It fails epically. <-----I couldn't resist....

"Dialogue, schmialogue! Edward is so dang hott it doesn't matter!"

"Um, yeah, it kinda does matter. Like a whole dang lot, little gay boy!"

Dialogue makes a novel sparkle. Helllllooooo!?! Have you ever heard the phrase critics use?

"The novel is such a good read with sparkling dialogue and witty characters that actually have personality/voice."

"Edward's body is sparkling, doesn't that count?!"

"NO. It doesn't, you middle aged cougar." Hmm, well technically Edward is like 185 or something, so I guess that doesn't make sense... (Want to talk cougars? Google British actor, Aaron Johnson, and his future wifey poo. I love him, but that relationship is just WRONG.)

Examples of dialogue not making any sense from Twilight: 

"No. He carved it himself. It hung on the wall above the pulpit in the vicarage where he preached."............"Are you alright?" (Edward)

"How old is Carlisle?" (Bella)

WHAT was THAT? They go from talking about some cross apparently, then he asks her if she's alright (?), and then she asks- (Note that she doesn't answer! So many of the characters do not answer, but repsond with ANOTHER question! It's infuritating.)- she asks how old Carlisle is.

*Sighs melodramatically and stares at keyboard for a long while wondering if it's even worth continuing.... Glances back up determinedly and presses onward*

More examples: Oh geez. This one is worse. Please read aloud! Or else it won't have the same effect.

"What can I do for you?" (Carlisle)

"I wanted to show Bella some of our history. Well, your history actually." (Edward)

"We didn't mean to disturb you." (Bella)

"Not at all. Where are you going to start?" (Carlisle)

"The Wagonner." (Edward)

"London in the sixteen-fifties." (Edward)

"The London of my youth." (Carlisle)

"Will you tell the story?" (Edward)

Well, I Googled "Wagonner," and I still don't know what the heck it is/means. Maybe it's a code word for "Hey, foster daddy, I might kill Bella!" Or maybe the dialogue is just crappy! Then I love how we go from this so-called Wagonner to London! That was an exciting adventure that didn't take very long! Which was the London of Carlisle's youth, too. Then Edward wants to hear a story. The Three Little Pigs perhaps?

The dialogue is bumpy; it doesn't flow.  DIALOGUE NEEDS TO FLOW. This dialogue flows like the blood of an obese, fast-food loving, oreo addicted human being- which means not at all.

Hoorah for controversy! Yes, I am going to continue, too. Nothing's stopping me now!

The Wagonner, the Wagonner, the Wagonner....THE. WAGONNER.

Reason Infinity and Beyond for Twilight's Suck-iness:

There is too much tell and no show. 

This blog is about this, this, this, that, this, that, this, this, and that. Oh yeah, and some of this and that, too.

ARGGGG!!!! *Pulls face angrily* Yes, those who do not enjoy reading and figuring things out for themselves will most defintely enjoy Twilight. Along with those who don't feel like using their imaginations. Why? Because Miss Meyer will tell you everything the novel is about in one fast sitting, leaving you without wondering about anything and knowing ALL there is possible to know about vampires, the Cullens, werewolves, and blah, blah, blah.

Examples? Sure the whole entire book is the example, but I'll pick one out for the sake of picking because I do like to pick....*Picks nose discreetly....*

Just kidding. That's gross..... 

"I hope Edward didn't see from outside my window..." I murmur to myself. *Looks out window and sees nothing* "Oh, I know he was there. He must have used his super speed to run away and hide."

*Sigh.... Continues typing furiously*

So here's some background info: Bella asks Edward a question. Edward decides to create his own monologue and OVER EXPLAINS EVERYTHING. *Cries slow, painful tears* Over explains every. little. thing....It's torturous I tell you!!!!

"Well, I can listen to Edward talk all day, so HA!"

"Well, very strange straight boy, firstly- you are reading, not listening. Secondly- I can't. So, um, HA HA. Oh yeah, that was a double ha."

Sorry. Here ya go:

"Are there a lot of...your kind?" (Bella)

"No, not many. But most won't settle in any one place. Only those like us, who've given up hunting you people can live together with humans for any length of time. We've only found one other family like ours, in a small village in Alaska. We lived together for a time, but there were so many of us that we became too noticeable. Those of us wo live...differently tend to band together." (Edward and his dear friend Mr. Monologue- it's a creepy guy relationship.)

Huh! Well, isn't that fascinating! It only took fifteen minutes to answer a simple yes or no question. Geez, Bella, I hope you learn to never ask Eddie Bear a question again.  

*Sigh for the hundredth time* 

Unfortunately, she doesn't. And all the other characters, the sexy Jacob Black in particular, have the same issue as Edward. It's a disgusting/obsessive relationship between character and monologue.

Steph-Steph could've at least attempted to incorporate that information later in the story. Show, don't tell. Leave it up to the reader to figure it out; to make it suspenseful/mysterious. Plus, the reader will feel good about his/ her self once they figure something out on their own in the story. It makes them feel special. Don't we all like feeling special? Yes, yes we do.

(Psssst: That's why Harry Potter is better.)

But she was too hasty! *Tisk tisk tisk* Hasty writers = Edward and Monologue relationship. Gross! I thought Edward loved Bella...nope. He loves his own voice!!! And me. *Makes creepy eyes in direction of window*

I could go on, but I've spent a brobdingnagian amount of time on this blog. (Google it)

Interesting stuff, huh? Or not. Maybe you hated this blog. In that case-usually I'd say "leave" or something to that extent, but instead I'm saying- "Yay!" Because I did my job. Controversy is key.

Unless you loved this blog.

In that case...GET THE HECK OUT.

Just kidding. I'm so glad you loved it that I'm making out with Edward in my mind....whoa! Didn't I say no fantasizing?! Goodness....what a Starburst contradiction....

Signing out of this very long blog like yeah-

Gwen the Super Hero,  over and out.

Hey! Hey You! Yeah You! AVADA KEDAVRA, JERK.

To be a wizard for a day... what would you do? 

Would you turn your AP United States History teacher into a piece of toilet paper then flush her down the toilet?  (Heck yeah!)

Would you levitate your whole classroom?  (Ooo trippy...)

Would you fly away for the night on a broom?  ("I can show you the world! Shining, shimmering splendor.")

Or would you flick your wand and say "accio- double stuff oreo!" (I'm Harry Freakin' Potter)

To be a wizard for the day, oh- the things I'd do that would earn me a lifetime of demerits at school....

It's a dark and dismal day.  The alarm clock screams crappy 93.3 music, and I punch it into my nightstand wanting to just slip away under my soft sheets.  It's another morning, another thrilling day of school awaits...I dress myself, wash myself, feed myself, and drag my dead self outside.

Wonderful story so far isn't it?

I'm waiting for my bus, and it starts raining. 

"What the Holy Bagels is this?!"  I scream in agony and crumple to the pavement in a heap of self-pity.

"It's rain, you pathetic Muggle." 

A voice!  From where? And did it really call me a Muggle?  I scan the area suspiciously... I glance up, and I see someone floating in a heavenly fog above me.  Do I smell bagels?

I squint- OMG IT'S SABRINA THE TEENAGE WITCH!

"Like OMG you're-" 

"Harry freakin' Potter," she says as she floats down to me in an awkward angelic/hippie/yoda way.

"Um, I don't think..."

"Just shut up, Muggle, I am," she says rudely. I don't like this schizophrenic chick very much.  "Now listen to me," she demands.  "Take this- are you listening?!" She screams, and I quickly stop Jedi fighting against my pop, Vader.  "Filthy, stupid creatures...Take this wand.  And do whatever the heck you want with it."

"Awesome!" I say as she tosses a birch wood wand also made with the guts of a pigmy puff down to me. She goes to ascend back into the sky, but I quickly stop her.  "Can I have a bagel with veggie cream cheese?"

"Girl, just accio it,"  she snaps at me. "So dumb, I don't know why I was assigned this job." 

"Okay...ACCIO BAGEL WITH VEGGIE CREAM CHEESE!" 

WHHHHHOMMP.  Well, instead of getting a face-full of deliciousness, I get a face-full of Sabrina/Harry's arm.  I peer over her arm, which is glued to my face, and see my bagel in her other hand.

"Could you wait until I let go of it....," she hisses.  I give a sheepish smile. (Well don't I feel baaaaaa-d! So punny.)

I'm at school now.  I own this joint.  I'm reading to kick some bootay-tay with my super-fly wand.  I'm on top of the world. I'm so fly I'm touching the sky. I'm so cool that I- what is this injustice before my fantastic wizard eyes?!  I look up from my seat and gape at the hideous sight.

MATH HW: Questions pg. 87 #2-12 evens.

Yeah, not too bad right?  UNTIL YOU SEE THAT EACH QUESTION REQUIRES YOU TO DO PARTS A-Z!

This. Right here. Is a disgrace to humanity. 

"My wand is awesome turn this teacher into a opossum!" 

*Tah-dah*

The kids are going nuts! And so is my teacher! Look at her scurry across the floor like mad! Oh, I could get used to this...time to find my APUSH teacher....I leave the classroom and go to her lair- I mean classroom...

There she is.  Plopped down on her swivel chair, squinting at her compy screen like the old woman she is.... I step in cautiously.  For some strange reason, my forehead begins to throb.

Then she looks up.  AND...

HOLY BUTTERSCOTCH BROWNIES! SHE HAS NO NOSE AND SLITS FOR EYES! 

"I knew you'd come for me, you failure of a student," she mutters darkly. I try to not let her disgusting new look distract me.

"That's epic failure to you," I say boldly (Quite literally, too.). "And it's only because you're an epic failure of teacher."

"Is that so?" She glares at me.

"Um, yeah kinda."

"Well then....AVADA KEDAVRA!"

"PIGMY PUFF I CHOOSE YOU!" I yell with all my might and point my wand at her face.  A small pigmy puff pops out of my wand and wobbles in the line of fire.  I try to push it out of the way, but...it's too late...

"NO!!!! PIGMY!" I run over to the dead puff and weep.  "This isn't over you spawn of Voldemort! My puff will be avenged!"  I hold a clenched fist up in rage.

"That's going to be rather difficult," she tells me mysteriously. "Seeing as I have 6 parts of my soul living within objects and/or students in this school...." she hisses and fades away, and only her devil eyes and disturbing evil cat-like smile remain for a few seconds before completely disappearing.  "And who wrote the Declaration of  Independence?" Her voice haunts me while I stand alone, wondering if I'm losing my sanity.

"Thomas Jefferson!" I shout to the ceiling. "You'll have to do better than that to thwart me!"

I go to leave the putrid room (It smells like spoiled cream cheese...What a Starburst contradiction.), and I stare at the poor pigmy puff.  "I'll avenge you, and I'll save this school, and possibly the whole wide world, too."  I point my wand like the potential hero I am and call out,  "Accio-butter scotch brownie."  

The scrumptious brownie flies into my mouth, and I flick off the light.  I exit the lair to go destroy my arch enemy.

WOW. Fascinating stuff, right?! Well, maybe you didn't find it fascinating. Maybe you think this was a complete waste of your time.  Time you could spend stalking your crush on Facebook.  Maybe you hate this blog with a fiery passion.  If that's the case then- AVADA KEDAVRA, JERK!

Just kidding.

Signing out of this blog like yeah-

Gwen the Super Hero, over and out.

For the Love of Math Would You Find a New Hobby

Math. How do you feel about math? Does your stomach tangle in an impossible knot? Do you scream and fling yourself out the nearest window?  Do you look longingly over at that shiny knife laying innocently on your kitchen table? *Glances over at table* "No Gwen, it's not worth it...not worth it..."

Senior year.  I'm ready to kill this bad boy.  It's my destiny.  God created me and told me, "You will hate the math with a fiery passion.  You will lose sleep over the math, it will make you go bald, make you even more mental, make you question your reason for existence, but in the end, you will kill the math."  Hecks yeah I will!  Then I'll never never ever ever have to deal with that hideous beast of a subject again.  It'll be a party in the USA!

Then there's my AP Calc. teacher. Who I find IMPOSSIBLE to relate to.

I swear that woman is having an affair with math. Her poor husband. Unless he knows about this horrendous fiasco... then this whole thing is just sick.  

She has an intense love for the gruesome numbers, the grisly functions, the "finding of the x's" (Something that I never understood why you would want to do. X is a letter.  It should remain a letter.  Now who's the smart-one whose light bulb flickered dimly on one day and said while in a state of sheer, unadulterated boredom, "I think I'll make 'x' represent a number."? Whoever he is, the day he thought up such horrid words he made an enemy for life! That's right Mr. I Ruined Gwen's Life, ya better watch your grave.), the soul sucking sine and cosine, and the mind torturing fractions.  

She LOVES it all.  I don't mean that meaningless I-love-you-but-we've-been-only-dating-for-a-day-and-a-half-so-I'll-end-up-dumping-you-for-my-xbox-instead- kind of love.  This lady, who I am seriously questioning if she is truly from our planet, LOVES math.  Love as in I-want-to-marry-you-and-have-a-sweet-child-and-name-it-Parabola Jr. love.

When she talks about math, she talks faster than the speed of a hummingbird's heart beat (Look it up on Google) and her face turns red and her spit flies- it's sad that I know that, because I sit in the back of the classroom.  

AP Calc. Requirements: a calculator and an umbrella- and some stress snackies.  You know you're all guilty. Don't try to be reserved in saying "I don't binge under stress."  I KNOW YOU DO.

Here's an example of her relentless love for math:  On the first day, a student answered a question correctly in class.  I don't know what he said- I swear he was speaking Swahili (Look that up on Google, too.), but apparently my teacher understood the crazed kid perfectly.  Tears brimmed in her eyes, and she covered her face slightly as she whispered, "That... was beautiful...".  Then, quickly from being in that state, she turns on us and makes her face go red again.  Time to pop open that umbrella...oh snap, it's jammed!

"You are going to OWN THE MATH THIS YEAR! I'm going to make you so ready for that exam that you'll be pooping numbers left and right!!" 

Scratch out that last part.

Do you see what I mean?  Well, maybe you don't.  Maybe you think that I'M the one who needs to seek psychiatric help.  In that case- LEAVE NOW.  Just kidding.  Don't leave. I don't have any friends.  Maybe we can go out for coffee later or go bowling?  Please, anything.  Do you see what I'm doing in my spare time? *Strokes keyboard thoughtfully* This is all I have...

Just kidding. I don't know you.

Granted, yes, she's a math freak, but she's still an extremely kind (and slightly overwhelming) woman who I trust will help me achieve a 4 or higher on my AP test (Unlike my last AP teacher, who I am happy to say will be on her way to the Amazon to make excellent company with a cannibalistic tribe under the impression that she won an all expense free trip to an exotic island---but you didn't hear that from me.).

I will own the math.  It won't bring me down, no, no, it won't bring me down today...I am beautiful in every single way- no matter how fat I'll get over my stress snacking, and how bald I will go from it making me rip my hair out. 

That's all folks.  Signing out of this blog like yeah....

Gwen the Super Hero, over and out.