We Have One Thing that Voldemort Doesn't Have...

Noses and Mushu. Yes, I do mean that little dragon from Mulan.

FLASHBACK to a few blogs ago.

I was left behind in a deserted classroom, wondering how I will defeat the monstrous APUSH teacher...

*Dramatic Fade*

I walk out of the classroom and make my way down the hallway to the bathroom.  

She must be defeated! I cannot let her continue with this havoc reeking...THE REEKING MUST COME TO AN END. I wonder how I am to find the seven parts of her soul...and when I do, how will I destroy them? Oh fiddlesticks, this is just too much for me to handle. I might as  well be a death-eater. My life would be so much easier...

*A dramatic fade within this dramatic fade*

"Gwen...I love you. Will you please marry me?"

"Oh Bruno Mars! I-"

Sorry, wrong fade!

*Dramatic fade out of that dramatic fade all within the constant dramatic fade*

I am wearing a mask and torturing prospective seniors with AP US History. Oh hey look, there's my boss.

"Hey, Boss! How ya-"

She turns around, and I face the most hideous creature in my life!!!!

*GASP* "NO! It's her! I'm sorry I ever thought of this horrible day-dream! I want out! I want out!" I scream in pure, unadulterated agony.

*A more abrupt dramatic fade out of the current dramatic fade all within the dramatic fade*

Ok...let's not have that happen again. EVER.

I'm in the bathroom, contemplating. No, ya freak, I am most certainly not on the potty. Why would I do that? People drown in those things you know. Highly dangerous. No, I am sitting on the windowsill, staring out into the school courtyard.

You know what? I think I could use a sidekick. Yes, yes...someone to help me kick some APUSH butt. I don't know where I could find one. Oh hey, there's something in the courtyard...

"There's something out there...." I murmur as I lean toward the window to get a closer look.  I see a person walking about the courtyard aimlessly.

Well, this isn't exactly what I had in mind...but here goes something-

I open the window and call out, "Hey you!"

The wanderer peers up and waves. Then she continues walking.

"No, no!" I shout. "Listen, I have a question to ask you! Actually, more like a demand. Yes, you must obey me...you cannot refuse once I ask you."

She looks up again with a puzzled look. "What?" She calls out.

"I- Me. Yes, me. I have to ask you-" She still looked confused. "OH FOR THE LOVE OF HUMANITY, I'M SPEAKING ENGLISH HERE. WHAT ARE YOU TRULY? A ZORBIAN FROM PLANET ZORB?! WOULD GIBBERISH SUIT YOU?! FINE, THEN UOEADLLEABBBLUBBERFABBERMADHATTERRRRBLAHSHINGOMINKFUR-" Oh no! It seems that I have leaned too far out the window!!!

Down

down

down

down 

down

down

down     down....whoops! This down is lost! Let us redirect him...

down

down

down

down

down

dow-

I am, thankfully, saved by a crab-apple tree. And now "down" doesn't sound like a word to me anymore.  You are no son of mine!!!!

You know that feeling when you say a word too much? Gosh, what a long, DOWNward spiral that was, too. Down.

"What was it you were trying to say?" A girl, my age, comes and asks me, ignoring the fact that I am stuck in this most uncomfortable crab-apple tree.

"You. Yes, you. Will be my sidekick in avenging my pigmy puff, who died in infamy, and in the destruction of our most evil teacher." I tumble out of the tree like a rag doll. Today is just not my day. Besides the fact that I have a super-dee-dooper wand-o under my command-o.

"But-" She looks disturbed.

"NO! NO, BUTS. They bother me so." I dust myself off quickly. "Now, come along. We have to destroy our APUSH teacher. You don't happen to know where a part of her soul may be hidden, do you?"

"Um-"

"You know what. I think you and I, myself and yourself, yes- I think we," I point to her and then myself, "we will be good friends. And I know this is hasty, but Christmas is coming and I would like a dragon. Yes, I've always wanted a dragon. Ever since I was a mere child."

"Oh do you now? I happen to be part house elf."

"Oh well, that is FASCINATING." I stop and clap my hands together. "Can you go find me a dragon then? Would you do that?"

"It might take awhile...."

"I WOULD VERY MUCH LIKE ONE NOW ELF!!" I shout angrily forgetting the manners my mommy taught me. "I mean, if it wouldn't cause you any trouble...my *friend*." =) <---- Me giving that irresistible smile. I must say that it doesn't really give it justice...but you get the picture.

*Snap cakes, snap cakes, there goes the elf- cakes! Poof!*

Annnnndddd she disappeared into thin air.

"I will take that as a yes!" I say merrily and start walking back to my school when I hear a voice hissing from somewhere within my perimeter....

"Yum, yum, yum....in my tum, tum, tum. If you consume me, BEWARE! Because then I will consume you! Yum, yum, yum."

"Yo ho, a pirate's life for me?" I whisper in return.

"You fool! I am no pirate! How dare you insult me in such a way!"

"Oh, well somebody's crabby." Crabby. Ha. Funny Word. Yet so ironic.....

Suddenly, I feel something burning in my jean pocket. "OMYGOSH WHAT IS HAPPENING?!" I tear through my pocket and pull out a small object and toss it to the ground in horror.  My eyes widen with fright at the sight before me.

A crab-apple is staring at me.

Or I assume that if it had eyes, it would be staring at me.

"You pathetic student! You will fail high school! And when you do, you can expect certain death!! Or work in a beauty salon for your entire life! Either is terrible! Muahahahahaa!!!"

"No...no...that won't happen," I say, terrified of the demonic crab-apple and its prophetic words.

"Oh, but it will! Yesssssss....." It hisses at me in the most repulsive way, I am tempted to kick it.  Unfortunately, pure fear of what may happen if I do encased my very soul.  I refrained from the brash act.  "Your pigmy puff is dead, your house elf friend deserted you, and you are dragonless."  

Everything is going blurry...I can't see straight.  My world is swirling around me...

"No...no..." I murmur, fading in and out of the world around me.  Then I hear a voice beyond the crab-apple.

"Don't listen to it! Destroy it! Hurry up, before it's too late!"

I close my eyes and force myself to find the strength within my heart.  I burst forth making the loudest battle cry I can.

"I AM PROUD TO BE A SPARTAN!" 

"Dude...you're American." 

*Fade is RUDELY interrupted*

"Ok, listen. My story. Not yours. My....story....notyours. And in this story THIS IS SPARTA. AND I AM A HUMBLE SPARTAN. With a really cool wand."

*Dramatic Fade*

With a rush of adreneline, I run and step on the crab-apple with all my might. AH-ha! Yes, it is finally defea-

"Ouchies!!!!" I squeal and jump off. "It bit a hole through my shoe!!!"

I fall down and the crab-apple advances toward me. It has a look of hunger drawn upon its fiber-filled, somewhat nutritional skin. Mmm...tasty! Or it would be if it wasn't evil.

"Stay away!!!" I crawl backwards rather pathetically. It's just about to leap on me and destroy me forever....

"ARGGGGGGGGGGG!!!! AYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAAAAAAA!!!"

A red and blue blur flashes before me eyes and when it's gone, so is the crab-apple.  Phew....that was a close one!

I look around curiously and see that a few feet from is my house elf friend! With a dragon! That is feasting on the crab-apple!  Hoo-rah.

"I believe that this is part of that APUSH teacher's soul. She stored it within this crab-apple. Good thing I was able to find this dragon unusually fast or else you'd be...you'd be...huh..."

"Yeah, I dunno what the apple would've done to me either," I say to my house elf friend. "Thanks, though. Oh, and you brought me a dragon!"

"Why, yes! This is an Asian Lung, named Mushu," She pointed toward the dragon.

"I see....it's rather small." More like the size of a shoe....or a mouse. A shoe-mouse.

"I am your guardian dragon!!!!!" It shouted at me in a voice that sounded exactly like Eddie Murphy.

"Uh huh....," I reply, a little distracted by it's non-fierce-some-ness.

"It never shuts up," The part house-elf girl says.

"Well, then that's just adorable!" I say with complete sarcasm. "By the way, I never caught your name."

"My name is-"

"Wait, wait." I interrupt. "No. I need to give you a super-cool sidekick name. I got it. Yes. It is perfect. You will love it, I promise. Yes, your name shall be Howling Meercat."

"Ok, it's better than my real name which is-." BEEPBEEPBEEP. A cop on a scooter beeps us out of his way rudely.  Rude prude.  What a weird name she has....

"Strange....ANYWHO, LET US GO ONWARD WITH THIS PERILOUS JOURNEY INTO THE DARKNESS OF WHICH WE CALL HIGH SCHOOL!!"

"Alright. This should be fun! Too bad I have no choice."

"That's right! You have absolutely no choice!" I say joyfully. "I have a feeling that the next object of which the APUSH teacher's demented soul is in is somewhere located in the cafeteria...."

"Why?"

"Well reason numero uno: I am quite hungry. And quatro: I want to see what it's like to give a jelly legs jinx (I learned this from Starkid Potter) on some jelly."

Eddie Murphy's voice rings out suddenly, "Ain't no way you're going to be eating jelly when the huns are popping up like daisies!" I look down at the shoe-mouse.

"Right...." I smile and nod politely. 

"Ready?" Howling Meercat says finally.

"Let us go. ONWARD!"

*Fantastical fade out of this dramatic fade*

Well, that was fun. Or maybe you were completely bored and hated the whole thing and now hate me forever and ever for ever creating such a stupid blog, and now you feel the nagging urge to throw your compy out the window because this blog just angered you so.

All I can say is- I HATE YOU TOO NOW OUT.

No. Sadly, I can never hate anyone who takes the time out to read this blog, even if it angers them *Cue puppy dog eyes and adorable face*

Just kidding! I can hate you! In fact, if I wanted to, I could most certainly hate you right this instant. But I won't. I love you too darn much!

Not really. Ok, bye.

Wait, no...Just this moment, the thought occurred to me: Why did I never use my wand to destroy the crab-apple? Oh right, right. I know. It is because I have yet to master it. I will. One day. Preferably my next blog or sometime whenever. I'll practice when my parents go to sleep. Ya, believe me, I'm such a rebel!

Signing out of this blog like yeah~

Gwen the Super Hero, over and out.

Stay tuned next time...for THE NEXT BLOG, DARN IT. Geez, don't pee yourself. I don't give "sneak peeks." Bye for real peeps!

Why Twilight Sucks (Don't Pardon the Pun)

Twilight SUCKS.  

I can already hear gasps, and the sound of people pounding their fists against their keyboards screaming "BLASPHEMY! I HATE THIS BLOG! WHAT AN IDIOT! ARGGG!!" *Throws computer out window* 

That's an irrational response. 

"Well, Gwen, if Twilight sucks then how come Stephenie Meyer is bathing in lucious green 100 dollar bills, huh? Yeah, chew on that, skank!" Touche, touche... 

A rational response that I can work with.

"Why? Well, teenage girls, gay boys, very strange straight boys, and delirious middle aged women, I'll get to that right now. No need to call me bad names."

Before you continue reading this, and if you didn't already throw your compy out the window, I'd like to warn you that this blog is semi-controversial. If you can't handle the heat, honey, then GET THE HECK OUT OF MY KITCHEN. (A.k.a. this blog)

Just kidding. Read my blog and be bothered by the controversy (or revel in the controversy if you agree with everything in it.).

Ah. Vampire romance novels are just so juicy!  When your love life is lacking, these novels are the perfect, completely unrealistic, tragic, beautiful, horrifying, thrilling, and delicious thing to sink your pearly whites (or denchers or yellowing teeth or gums) into.  And the immaculate vampire novel to read?

Twilight.

"Whoa, wait a second...I swear you just said Twilight sucks..."

"Yes, you smart little apple! I did!"  Allow me to elaborate....

Twilight is the perfect novel to read when you desperately want a boyfriend and if you don't give a flying jedi crap about writing.

Twilight is undeniably popular.  ESPECIALLY among the teenage audience.  

"Oh Edward....he's such a sexy beast....that shimmering body is such a turn on...." *Licks lips and makes audience reading this blog very uncomfortable*

There you go.  It's Edward.  He is the PERFECT, most unrealistic little creeper that girls want.

"No. I'm Team Jacob. Edward is such a woman. SO HA!"

*Sniff sniff sniff* AHA! There it is again!  It's Jacob, too.  He represents the stronger side. The "man-lier" side, if you will. Twilight is reeling in girls attracted to both the manly man, and the sensitive man.   

Teenage girls are drawn to these fictional characters that make them drool and fantasize and yell at their boyfriends for being so insensitve and demanding them to "be Edward, darn it!"

That relationship didn't last  long....

They look past everything that makes a novel a well-written novel once a dashing fictional knight-in-shining-armor pops into the scene.  It's a huge trap, that I myself, unfortunately fell into...and then franticly clambered out of once those nasty scales fell from my eyes.

Yeah, I'll give Stephie Meyer credit where credit is due- the story line is not bad. That's the only credit due.

Oh, time to discuss the writing!! *Piece of my heart wilts and blows dramatically away* It's just *cringes* AWFUL, GOSH DARN IT. 

Tell me, how many teenage girls can sniff out bad writing? 

*Raises hand* Excluding myself... *Sadly puts hand down...*  

When you're so in love with a fictional character and when you're living vicariously through the story it's very hard to tell.

So stop.  Stop putting yourself in Bella's place.  Stop fantasizing that Edward is creeping on you outside your window. Stop.  And actually open your eyes, and read the book like the intelligent little book worm you are.   

Reason Numero Uno for Twilight's Suck-iness:

Bella is an empty character.

"Nuh-uh. She is very dynamic and emotional and full of personality, you scum bag!"

"Shut up, she isn't, and I'm about to tell you why!"

If I read a piece of dialogue without seeing who said it, I can't distinguish who said what, especially during scenes Bella is in. Bella has no distinct voice. Examples?  Here ya go:

"What, no twenty questions today?"

"Do my questions bother you?"

"Do I react badly?"

"No, that's the problem. You take everything so coolly..."

OMGSH. Who the heck said what?  Can you tell?  Or are you such a fanatic that you memorized the whole novel, therefore, giving you inside knoweldge, therefore making you a CHEATER?

CHEATERS LEAVE MY BLOG NOW.

Just kidding. Don't. I love you so much that I less than three you!  <3

No...I don't know you....

Alright, back to Miss I-Have-No-Personality. I took a guess without looking at the book. (And mind you I've read all four novels so I am very familiar with the series.) I seriously thought Bella said the first line. 

She didn't. It was Edward. Bella is indistinguishable. Yeah, that's right! Read it and weep, baby. 

I went through other chapters and came across the same problem. Characters NEED voices!!! They sit there and beg for voices, because they want their personality to be HEARD. I CAN'T HEAR BELLA.

Here's another reason why the novel is a best-seller, but really shouldn't be: 

The reader can easily fill the character up with his/her self. Teenage girls can relate to Bella, can fill her empty self up, because Bella has nothing not to relate to. (Confusing statement, I know. Read it over until you understand it) This does NOT mean the writing is good.  Again, I will state that characters need voices. To not give a character, especially the MAIN character, a voice is a disgrace.

Reason B for Twilight's Suck-iness :

The Dialogue is horrible.

Dialogue should make sense even without the detailed paragraphs that follow. Twilight fails when it comes to dialogue. It fails epically. <-----I couldn't resist....

"Dialogue, schmialogue! Edward is so dang hott it doesn't matter!"

"Um, yeah, it kinda does matter. Like a whole dang lot, little gay boy!"

Dialogue makes a novel sparkle. Helllllooooo!?! Have you ever heard the phrase critics use?

"The novel is such a good read with sparkling dialogue and witty characters that actually have personality/voice."

"Edward's body is sparkling, doesn't that count?!"

"NO. It doesn't, you middle aged cougar." Hmm, well technically Edward is like 185 or something, so I guess that doesn't make sense... (Want to talk cougars? Google British actor, Aaron Johnson, and his future wifey poo. I love him, but that relationship is just WRONG.)

Examples of dialogue not making any sense from Twilight: 

"No. He carved it himself. It hung on the wall above the pulpit in the vicarage where he preached."............"Are you alright?" (Edward)

"How old is Carlisle?" (Bella)

WHAT was THAT? They go from talking about some cross apparently, then he asks her if she's alright (?), and then she asks- (Note that she doesn't answer! So many of the characters do not answer, but repsond with ANOTHER question! It's infuritating.)- she asks how old Carlisle is.

*Sighs melodramatically and stares at keyboard for a long while wondering if it's even worth continuing.... Glances back up determinedly and presses onward*

More examples: Oh geez. This one is worse. Please read aloud! Or else it won't have the same effect.

"What can I do for you?" (Carlisle)

"I wanted to show Bella some of our history. Well, your history actually." (Edward)

"We didn't mean to disturb you." (Bella)

"Not at all. Where are you going to start?" (Carlisle)

"The Wagonner." (Edward)

"London in the sixteen-fifties." (Edward)

"The London of my youth." (Carlisle)

"Will you tell the story?" (Edward)

Well, I Googled "Wagonner," and I still don't know what the heck it is/means. Maybe it's a code word for "Hey, foster daddy, I might kill Bella!" Or maybe the dialogue is just crappy! Then I love how we go from this so-called Wagonner to London! That was an exciting adventure that didn't take very long! Which was the London of Carlisle's youth, too. Then Edward wants to hear a story. The Three Little Pigs perhaps?

The dialogue is bumpy; it doesn't flow.  DIALOGUE NEEDS TO FLOW. This dialogue flows like the blood of an obese, fast-food loving, oreo addicted human being- which means not at all.

Hoorah for controversy! Yes, I am going to continue, too. Nothing's stopping me now!

The Wagonner, the Wagonner, the Wagonner....THE. WAGONNER.

Reason Infinity and Beyond for Twilight's Suck-iness:

There is too much tell and no show. 

This blog is about this, this, this, that, this, that, this, this, and that. Oh yeah, and some of this and that, too.

ARGGGG!!!! *Pulls face angrily* Yes, those who do not enjoy reading and figuring things out for themselves will most defintely enjoy Twilight. Along with those who don't feel like using their imaginations. Why? Because Miss Meyer will tell you everything the novel is about in one fast sitting, leaving you without wondering about anything and knowing ALL there is possible to know about vampires, the Cullens, werewolves, and blah, blah, blah.

Examples? Sure the whole entire book is the example, but I'll pick one out for the sake of picking because I do like to pick....*Picks nose discreetly....*

Just kidding. That's gross..... 

"I hope Edward didn't see from outside my window..." I murmur to myself. *Looks out window and sees nothing* "Oh, I know he was there. He must have used his super speed to run away and hide."

*Sigh.... Continues typing furiously*

So here's some background info: Bella asks Edward a question. Edward decides to create his own monologue and OVER EXPLAINS EVERYTHING. *Cries slow, painful tears* Over explains every. little. thing....It's torturous I tell you!!!!

"Well, I can listen to Edward talk all day, so HA!"

"Well, very strange straight boy, firstly- you are reading, not listening. Secondly- I can't. So, um, HA HA. Oh yeah, that was a double ha."

Sorry. Here ya go:

"Are there a lot of...your kind?" (Bella)

"No, not many. But most won't settle in any one place. Only those like us, who've given up hunting you people can live together with humans for any length of time. We've only found one other family like ours, in a small village in Alaska. We lived together for a time, but there were so many of us that we became too noticeable. Those of us wo live...differently tend to band together." (Edward and his dear friend Mr. Monologue- it's a creepy guy relationship.)

Huh! Well, isn't that fascinating! It only took fifteen minutes to answer a simple yes or no question. Geez, Bella, I hope you learn to never ask Eddie Bear a question again.  

*Sigh for the hundredth time* 

Unfortunately, she doesn't. And all the other characters, the sexy Jacob Black in particular, have the same issue as Edward. It's a disgusting/obsessive relationship between character and monologue.

Steph-Steph could've at least attempted to incorporate that information later in the story. Show, don't tell. Leave it up to the reader to figure it out; to make it suspenseful/mysterious. Plus, the reader will feel good about his/ her self once they figure something out on their own in the story. It makes them feel special. Don't we all like feeling special? Yes, yes we do.

(Psssst: That's why Harry Potter is better.)

But she was too hasty! *Tisk tisk tisk* Hasty writers = Edward and Monologue relationship. Gross! I thought Edward loved Bella...nope. He loves his own voice!!! And me. *Makes creepy eyes in direction of window*

I could go on, but I've spent a brobdingnagian amount of time on this blog. (Google it)

Interesting stuff, huh? Or not. Maybe you hated this blog. In that case-usually I'd say "leave" or something to that extent, but instead I'm saying- "Yay!" Because I did my job. Controversy is key.

Unless you loved this blog.

In that case...GET THE HECK OUT.

Just kidding. I'm so glad you loved it that I'm making out with Edward in my mind....whoa! Didn't I say no fantasizing?! Goodness....what a Starburst contradiction....

Signing out of this very long blog like yeah-

Gwen the Super Hero,  over and out.